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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that employers should not care about the way their employees dress, because what matter is the quality of their work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The statement argues that employers should not
care
Use synonyms
 how their employees
dress
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, since
their
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 quality of
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work
Correct determiner usage
their work
show examples
 matters more. I will share
in
Correct word order
my opinion in this essay
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, I agree that attitude at
work
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 is more important
Linking Words
then
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than
show examples
 how employees look. Even more so when a company is recruiting new people, it's important that they are not being selected
regarding
Change preposition
based on
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 how they are dressed or even what their gender is.
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Instead
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Instead,
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 their expertise and performance should be more relevant.
Therefore
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, workers should be able to appear at their
work
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 with a
dress
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 code that supports them to feel relaxed and comfortable.
This
Linking Words
 will help them to show up at their workplace at ease
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
hopefully
Add a comma
hopefully,
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 that
even
Verb problem
will even
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supports
Wrong verb form
support
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 their quality of
work
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other side, I believe that appearance matters
and
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, and
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 if there are client interactions at
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work
Punctuation problem
work,
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 it's necessary that there is a
dress
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 code. I would even argue that cutting nails, trimming beards and taking
care
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 of bodily odour should be common sense. So there might be a certain flexibility at
work
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 in order to maintain a certain profesionalissm its crucial that people not only take
care
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 of
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 but that they show up in a way
that is
Linking Words
 acceptable. In my opinion, that we show up and take
care
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 of ourselves
also
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higlights
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highlights
 an attitude and
work
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 ethic.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 will
also
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 have an
affect
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effect
show examples
 on the
work
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collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
.
Conclusion
Overall
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, I agree that
work
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 experience is more important than looks.
While
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 the
dress
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 code should allow a certain flexibility, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that appearance matters and has an
affect
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effect
show examples
 on clients.
Therefore
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,
It's
Fix capitalization
it's
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 my opinion that taking
care
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 of how workers are dressed will create a
work
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 ethic and discipline that needs to be a requirement at
work
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.

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task response
Your view is clear: work skill is more important, but dress still matters in some jobs. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly how much you agree. For example, say that you mostly agree, but that dress rules are needed when staff meet clients or work with food or health.
task response
Add one real or clear example in each main part. For example, a computer worker may work well in casual clothes, while a bank worker may need formal clothes when meeting customers. Examples will make your ideas more full and believable.
task response
Some ideas need more support. You say that good dress creates work ethic and discipline, but explain why. Also, be careful not to make this sound like the main reason for dress rules; client trust, safety, and a clean work place are clearer reasons.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Make the links between ideas smoother. Use simple links such as “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” to show why one idea follows another.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the second body paragraph, you move from client needs to personal care, work ethic, and co-workers. Split or order these points: first client image, then clean and safe personal care, then the effect on other staff.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeated phrases such as “In my opinion” and “I believe”. State your point directly. This will make the writing more direct and easier to follow.
language control
Check small word and spelling errors: use “than”, not “then”; “professionalism”; “themselves”; “highlights”; “effect”; and “colleagues”. Also use lower-case “it’s” after a comma unless it starts a new sentence.
language control
Some sentences are too long and unclear. For example, change “if there are client interactions at work it's necessary that there is a dress code” to “If employees meet clients, a clear dress code may be needed.”
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear overall view: quality of work should come first, but appearance can matter in client-facing jobs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, one paragraph about work quality, one paragraph about appearance, and a conclusion.
task response
The points about comfort at work, client contact, and personal care are relevant to the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dress code
  • employers
  • employees
  • work quality
  • productivity
  • professionalism
  • branding
  • client interactions
  • creative expression
  • workplace environment
  • morale
  • flexibility
  • professional image
  • attire
  • perceptions
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