IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individuals responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
Excessive
use
Use synonyms
 of sweet items creates many implications in human
body
Use synonyms
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that authorities should take measures to
confine
Verb problem
limit
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 intake of sugary products.
While
Linking Words
 others believe that individuals need to consider
himself
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
show examples
 to
use
Use synonyms
proper
Correct article usage
a proper
show examples
 amount of sugary things as it is better for
body
Use synonyms
 metabolism. I personally believe that adults need to put some
restrication
Check wording
restrictions
show examples
 on the
use
Use synonyms
 of
high carbohydrates
Correct word choice
high-carbohydrate
show examples
 cakes.
Body paragraph 1
On one side of the
arguments
Check wording
argument
show examples
, many
people
Use synonyms
 think that governments should be liable for the intake of
sugar made
Correct word choice
sugar-added
show examples
 products. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that authorities can educate
people
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the consumption of dairy products as
ingridents
Correct your spelling
ingredients
 involved
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 from different machines which contain a lot of germs.
However
Linking Words
, eating that kind of food in the long run can pose chronic issues to your
body
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 needs to make
policy
Correct article usage
a policy
show examples
 or run
adds
Use the right word
ads
show examples
 on television to aware
people
Use synonyms
 about the overuse of
gulcose
Correct your spelling
glucose
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
giving knowledge to residents will be helpful for
agriculture
Replace the word
agricultural
 resources and for
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 health system
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 will drink less juice
which contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
that contains
show examples
 high fructose.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 side of the
arguments
Check wording
argument
show examples
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 am of the view that children and
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population should take care of
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
their bodies
show examples
 themselves. Indeed, one reason why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 take
this
Linking Words
 position is that
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
use
Use synonyms
 of sugar
good
Verb problem
is good
show examples
 for
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
show examples
 life span. Every human
know
Correct subject-verb agreement
knows
show examples
 about
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 digestive system very
well
Correct word choice
well, as well
show examples
 as how much amount of sweetner it can digest easily.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as with the declining
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 many diseases
takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
show examples
 place in
Use synonyms
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 must curb the
use
Use synonyms
 of large quantity sugary items.
For instance
Linking Words
, individuals can take guidance from diet specialists about the excessive intake of sugar
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 they can guide them very well.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are commonly held,
i amof
Correct your spelling
I am of
 the view that residents should make
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 diet plan for
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 and properous life style.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can enjoy
with
Correct pronoun usage
themselves with
show examples
 their babies.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more fair way. The first body says what the government can do, but the second body should also clearly say why people, not the government, should control sugar.
task response
Make your opinion clear from the start and keep it the same. You say adults should limit cakes, then you focus on children and young people. Choose one clear view.
task response
Use facts that fit the topic. Dairy products, germs, farm resources, and juice do not strongly show why sugar should be limited. Focus on sugar, health, food labels, tax, ads, and choice.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, a tax on sweet drinks may make people buy less, while people can also read labels and plan meals at home.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, government view, individual view, and conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example that directly supports that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully: On the one hand, For example, As a result, On the other hand, and In conclusion. Do not use a linking word when the next idea does not follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear sentences such as "average use of sugar good for longer life span." State the point in a full, direct way so the reader can understand your meaning.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
You include a useful idea about public information through TV ads and advice from health experts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use clear signposts such as "On one side," "On other side," and "In conclusion."
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar
  • health
  • government
  • people
  • individual
  • limit
  • responsibility
  • eat
  • drink
  • tax
  • policy
  • rules
  • ads
  • children
  • schools
  • meals
  • label
  • warning
  • plan
  • choice
  • habit
  • education
  • money
  • cost
  • balance
  • freedom
  • environment
  • support
  • information
  • risk
  • prevention
  • efforts
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