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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that educating
children
Use synonyms
 is very crucial.
While
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 it is
commonly
Correct article usage
a commonly
show examples
 held belief that
parants
Correct your spelling
parents
 must instruct their
children
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 to be good individuals of the community, there is
also
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 an argument that the suitable place to make them learn is the school.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,
children
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 will always do what their parents tell them to do.
In other words
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, all the
childred
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children
 have a
tendancy
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tendency
 to act as their mom or dad
advise
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advises
show examples
 them.
In addition
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,
parants
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parents
 are playing a vital role
of
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in
show examples
 their
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children behavior
Check wording
children's behaviour
show examples
.
For example
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, if the dad teaches his
12 years old
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12-year-old
show examples
 a method of introducing
his self
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himself
 to strangers,
this
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 will make the child more
comfrotable
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comfortable
 towards new people
and
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, and
show examples
 he will act
same
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the same
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 as what his father taught him.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, education institution will have a significant impact on the academic aspects
for
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of
show examples
 the
children
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. It is possible to say that science courses
such
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 as
,
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apply
show examples
 math and physics are pretty good for
children
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's
mind
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minds
show examples
, which stimulate their way of thinking.
Morover
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Moreover
, school would be better for making the
children
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 interact with their peers. For
isntance
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instance
, a Japanese research was
condacted
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conducted
 to see the
atitude
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attitude
 of
children
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 when they meet
their same age people
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people of the same age
show examples
, the result shows that
,
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apply
show examples
 they started to feel more
energiesed
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energised
 and acted in a different way than when they are at home.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to
belive
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believe
 that
parants
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parents
 are the real
educator
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educators
show examples
 for their
children
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due to
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 the
genitics
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genetic
 relation, and every father or mother knows exactly how to teach their child in a certain way, unlike the school, the procedure of teaching their students
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the same.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, which is good. However, the school paragraph is mostly about study subjects and thinking. Focus more on how school can teach children to be good people, such as sharing, rules, respect, and working with others.
task response
Make your own view clearer and stronger. Explain why parents are better with one or two clear reasons, not only because of family links. For example, parents are with children from a young age and can show good behavior every day.
task response
Your examples are linked to your ideas, but some need more detail. The example about meeting strangers does not clearly show how a child becomes a good member of society. Use examples about helping at home, being polite, or following rules.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the main idea of each paragraph match the question more closely.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the path of your ideas: "First", "Also", "For example", "However", and "As a result". Do not use a comma after "such as" or before "that" in a sentence like "the result shows that...".
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word form and spelling problems. Write shorter sentences and check key words: "parents", "children", "tendency", "behaviour", "comfortable", "moreover", "instance", "conducted", and "attitude".
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own view in the ending.
coherence and cohesion
The use of "On one hand", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion" helps the reader follow the main parts of your essay.
task response
You try to use examples in both body paragraphs, which helps make your ideas more real.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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