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Band 4.5

Research shows that transportation of products and people is now one of the biggest sources of pollution worlwide. Some people think it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem while others think it is the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Research shows that transportation of
products
Use synonyms
 and
people
Use synonyms
 is currently one of the highest purposes of pollution around the world. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that governments are responsible
to solve
Change preposition
for solving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem,
whereas
Linking Words
 others say that citizens are responsible
to solve
Change preposition
for solving
show examples
 it. For me,
people
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 can hear about
climate
Correct article usage
the climate
show examples
 change problem from different situations,
Linking Words
after
Correct word choice
and after
show examples
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 they become aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem. One of them is cars
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are able to reduce
this
Linking Words
 by
stop order
Wrong verb form
ordering
show examples
products
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 online that
transport
Wrong verb form
are transported
show examples
 to them by
cars
Check wording
car
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, policymakers have provided a
lot
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 of transportation
services
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 powered by
fuels
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 and gases. Those
services
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 can be buses, trams or trains
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 all of them are emitting
carbon
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dioxide
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 daily with every move.
Then
Linking Words
 CO2 they emit release to our
atmosphere
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 and
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the
climate change effects
Correct word order
effects of climate change,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as floods or droughts.
Although
Linking Words
 governments have provided these
services
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from
Change preposition
through
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 taxes. They can provide
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
services
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 that
people
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 are able to use without emitting
carbon
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dioxide
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.
For example
Linking Words
, they can replace engines that require
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fuels
Check wording
fuel
show examples
 to power with electric
bettaries
Correct your spelling
batteries
 that do not need
Use synonyms
fuels
Check wording
fuel
show examples
. If policymakers did
this
Linking Words
, they would reduce a
lot
Use synonyms
CO2
Change preposition
of CO2
show examples
 that
emit
Wrong verb form
is emitted
show examples
 daily in our
atmosphere
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a
lot
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 of
people
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 are responsible for
Linking Words
this CO2 emitting
Correct word order
emitting this CO2
show examples
 daily
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 their choices.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, a
lot
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 of companies nowadays transport their
products
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 to the houses of buyers by vehicles. Most of these vehicles can be powered by gases and other
fuels
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.
Besides
Linking Words
, they are emitting
carbon
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dioxide
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in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 our
atmosphere
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.
This
Linking Words
 can happen
by
Change preposition
because of
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 choices when they order their
products
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instead
Linking Words
 of going to buy them
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 foot.
However
Linking Words
, if
people
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 decided to go to markets directly
instead
Linking Words
 of ordering
products
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, these
services
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 would stop their
delievery
Correct your spelling
delivery
services
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.
As a result
Linking Words
,
carbon
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dioxide
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that emit
Wrong verb form
emitted
show examples
 daily by
this
Linking Words
 service would decrease in our
atmosphere
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.
Conclusion
In my opinion, the climate change solution is the
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people responsibility when they chose
Correct word order
people's responsibility when they choose
show examples
 to order
products
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 that
transports
Wrong verb form
are transported
show examples
 to them by cars powered by
Use synonyms
fuels
Check wording
fuel
show examples
. So they can
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to visit markets
instead
Linking Words
. And
this
Linking Words
 can lead to
reduce
Replace the word
a reduction in
 CO2 in our
atmosphere
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. The government side should include more than buses and trains. For example, governments can make more rail lines, set rules for car use, and help people use clean power.
task response
Make your own view clear in the first paragraph and keep it the same in the end. You say people are more responsible, but also show that governments must lead big change.
task response
Use more direct and real examples. The online order example is useful, but it is too small for the whole problem. Add examples about public transport, road rules, and clean cars.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make it easier to read, begin each body paragraph with one clear main idea, then give reasons and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "because", "so", "for example", "however", and "as a result". Do not use too many long sentences with many ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point about online orders and cars. Add a new point in each paragraph so the ideas move forward.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word groups for clear meaning: use "sources of pollution", "responsible for solving", "reduce pollution", and "carbon dioxide is released into the air".
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
You use a clear example about home delivery and car use.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well divided into an opening, two main paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "On the one hand", "On the other hand", and "In my opinion" help the reader follow your plan.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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