IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

These days many advertisements are aimed at children. What effect do you think they have? Should advertising to children be more controlled and regulated?

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Introduction
Nowadays, children
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 become one of the targeted
audience
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audiences
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advertisements. I believe that
this
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 has a negative impact on them
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it should be monitored and limited.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, children
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not have the ability to think like adults.
Therefore
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, they can not differentiate between good and bad. Their brain only understand things that they are being shown.
For instance
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, when children would watch another child of their age drinking an energy drink in a television commercial, they would only want to have that drink because they are being shown that
its
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it's
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 good for them and other
youngster
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youngsters
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 have
this
Linking Words
 drink. They would never think about the negative aspects of it.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, some of the advertisements are designed to promote
luxuries
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luxury
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kids
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kids'
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 items
and
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, and
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 they are depicted as a daily lifestyle need for everyone of their age. These products can be very expensive and inaccessible for
middle class
Correct your spelling
middle-class
 families with limited income.
As a result
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, youngsters from
such
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 families develop
inferiority
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an inferiority
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 complex.
Conclusion
In conclusion, after considering all of these elements, I believe that some restrictions should be imposed on the commercials that are targeting
young
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the young
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 generation. There should be strict regulations introduced for
such
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type
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a type
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 of advertisement.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain that ads can make children want unhealthy drinks and costly things, but add one more clear effect, such as too much buying or poor food habits.
task response
Make your view on control more clear. Say who should act, such as the government, TV groups, and online sites. Explain rules they can use, for example no ads for bad food, no false claims, and no ads during shows for young children.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. Make them more real and exact by showing what may happen after a child sees the ad, such as asking parents to buy the drink every day.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between each idea more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with one clear point, then explain it, give an example, and show the result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with care: 'First', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'Also'. Do not repeat long phrases such as 'children of their age' too often.
coherence and cohesion
In the last part, sum up your two main effects and then give your call for rules. This will make the end feel more complete.
task response
You give a clear view from the start: ads aimed at children can cause harm and should be limited.
task response
The energy drink example is useful because it clearly shows how children may believe what an ad says.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each main part has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The ending matches your main view and answers the question about control.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • young and impressionable
  • target a young audience
  • consumer behaviour
  • pester power
  • brand awareness
  • unnecessary purchases
  • materialistic attitudes
  • peer pressure
  • unhealthy food products
  • sugary drinks
  • misleading advertising
  • persuasive techniques
  • cartoon characters
  • celebrity endorsement
  • age-appropriate content
  • strict regulations
  • advertising standards
  • protect vulnerable children
  • digital platforms
  • parental supervision
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