IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People in the current generations are not fit and active. What are the problems. What can be done to encourage people to participate in sports activities.

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Individuals of today's generation are becoming increasingly physically inactive and
overweigh
Replace the word
overweight
,
due to
Linking Words
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and excessive use of technology.
Howerver
Correct your spelling
However
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 problems can be addressed by government incentives and making exercise more enjoyable.
Body paragraph 1
One significant issue is
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of physical activity and spending too much
time
Use synonyms
siting
Use the right word
sitting
show examples
.
People
Use synonyms
 may stay in one place studying or working for hours, because of busy academic or working schedules, having less
time
Use synonyms
 for exercise.
In addition
Linking Words
, physical
activities
Use synonyms
 may
seen
Verb problem
be seen
show examples
 as less important, as
people
Use synonyms
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 education, work and household
shores
Use the right word
chores
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, some students spend
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 majority of
Use synonyms
time
Correct determiner usage
their time
show examples
 at university lessons and on home tasks after returning
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
home. Another major problem is
overuse
Correct article usage
the overuse
show examples
 of smartphones, computer or other technologies. Nowadays, social media and video games are replacing physical
activities
Use synonyms
, providing a wide range of entertainment. To illustrate, rapid advancement of technology
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 younger generations a variety of online
activities
Use synonyms
, including
Tik Tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
, Instagram, and different appealing games.
Thus
Linking Words
, communities are
being
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
unwilling to do regular workouts.
Body paragraph 2
One effective way to tackle
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 problems is
improving
Change preposition
by improving
show examples
 sports facilities
by funded money
Change preposition
with funding
show examples
. Building more parks, gyms and
Use synonyms
sport centers
Correct your spelling
sports centres
 would encourage
modern-generations
Correct determiner usage
the modern generations
show examples
 to engage in regular
sport
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, affordable or free facilities may help to increase the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who participate in
sport
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, we can motivate
people
Use synonyms
 by making workouts more fun.
Organizing
Change the spelling
Organising
show examples
 running clubs, football matches or tournaments
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to combine
sport
Use synonyms
 with social
activities
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, we can motivate
people
Use synonyms
encouraging
Change preposition
by encouraging
show examples
 group
activities
Use synonyms
 with friends, making physical
activities
Use synonyms
ore
Use the right word
more
show examples
 engaging and fascinating.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, modern-generations becoming physically unfit and
unactive
Correct word choice
inactive
show examples
, which leads to
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and
usint
Correct your spelling
using
 too much
time
Use synonyms
technologies
Change preposition
on technologies
show examples
. But, these can be solved by funding money for more
sport
Use synonyms
 facilitieas and making workouts more engaging.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Say clearly what the main problems are, such as long hours of sitting and too much screen time, then explain each one fully.
task response
Develop each idea with a clear cause and result. For example, explain how long work hours can make people too tired to play sport after work.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. Instead of only naming TikTok and Instagram, show how a person may spend several hours online rather than walk, run, or play a game outside.
task response
Keep your solutions focused on who should act. You mention the government, but also use “we”. Say whether schools, employers, local groups, or the government should lead each action.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, problems, solutions, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the opening state the two problems and the two solutions more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main paragraph with one strong main sentence. Then give one reason, one example, and one result before moving to the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “For example”, “In addition”, “As a result”, and “Therefore” can help, but do not use them when the next sentence does not clearly follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “people”, “physical activities”, and “sport” too often. Use simple changes such as “adults”, “young people”, “exercise”, “games”, or “these activities”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph match the main body exactly. It should repeat the key problems and the same solutions in a short, clear way.
task response
You address both the causes of low fitness and ways to get people into sport.
task response
Your ideas about free places to exercise and group games are useful and on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are placed in a sensible order, with problems before solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support several points, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: