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Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries people have to go away from their family and friends to find work. Do you think the advantages of this policy outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is widely recognised that many people have to
travel
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 away from their relatives and friends to find employment opportunities.
This
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 issue has generated significant discussion regarding whether individuals should
travel
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 far to find a job or work closer to home. In my view, individuals—especially professionals—should serve in urban centres rather than remaining in their hometowns, and
this
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 essay will examine both aspects to provide a comprehensive perspective.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument as to whether or not people should move far away from home for employment opportunities. The primary reason is that, to create a positive impact on the country, citizens must often
travel
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 to serve the broader interests of their nation.
This
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 contributes to building a strong country with a clear vision for future development. A clear illustration of
this
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 can be seen in developed nations like the UK, where employees
travel
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 miles away from their homes to industrial or urban cities to work in various sectors, highlighting the practical benefits of
this
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 mobility.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to consider the drawbacks that negatively affect citizens' lives.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that some workers without specialised degrees do not earn high salaries.
Consequently
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, they struggle to cover their commuting and transportation costs.
For instance
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, recent economic studies show that many urban workers do not see their families and relatives for months, demonstrating that low salaries prevent them from affording weekly trips back to their hometowns.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 some individuals serve their country by dedicating their precious time to the benefit of society, it is equally important to acknowledge that governments should
also
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 find solutions for low-wage employees. Ultimately, I firmly believe that the broader interests of the state are more important than individual financial challenges.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly. Say clearly if the good points are greater than the bad points, and keep this same view from start to end.
task response
Talk about the real good and bad points for people who move for work. Good points may include more jobs, better pay, and new skills. Bad points may include missing family, high living costs, and stress.
task response
Your main idea about helping the country is too general. Explain how moving to a city helps the worker and give a clear, real example.
task response
The UK example is not developed enough. Explain what kind of work people do, why they move, and what good result this brings.
task response
The final paragraph should give a clear answer to the question, not mainly say what the government should do for low-paid workers.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph on advantages, one paragraph on disadvantages, then a conclusion that compares them.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one clear point. Then add an explanation and one example that directly supports that point.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are unclear. For example, moving for work does not automatically mean serving the country. Show the link step by step, or use a more direct idea.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating broad ideas such as 'the country', 'citizens', and 'society'. Focus more on workers, families, jobs, pay, and travel costs.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of moving away for work.
task response
You include examples about city workers and travel costs, which helps make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic opportunities
  • Skill development
  • Standard of living
  • Personal resilience
  • Cultural awareness
  • Emotional distress
  • Social isolation
  • Support system
  • Cultural challenges
  • Remittances
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