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Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries people have to go away from their family and friends to find work. Do you think the advantages of this policy outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is widely
recognized
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recognised
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 that many folks have to travel away from their relatives and friends to find an employment opportunity.
This
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 issue has generated
signigicant
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significant
 discussion regarding
wheather
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whether
 individuals should travel far, regard to find a job or work
should
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, or whether they should
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be
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work
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otherwise
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,
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apply
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 near
from
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apply
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their property . In my view,
public
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the public
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especially
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, especially
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 the professional from
them
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them,
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 should serve in urban cities rather than
his mother land
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their motherland
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, and
this
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 essay will examine both aspects to provide a comprehensive perspective.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument concerning
wheather
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whether
 or not people should go far away from home to find employment
opportunity
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opportunities
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.The primary reason for
this
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 is that for the positive impact
for
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on
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 the
nation
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nation,
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 the citizen must travel and serve for the interest of his nation .
As a result
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, a strong country with a clear vision for
the
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apply
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future development
,
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.
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 A clear illustration of
this
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 can be seen in developed states, like
in
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apply
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the UK ,
employers
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where employers
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 over there tavel miles from
his home
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their homes
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 to the industrial or urban cities to serve the nation in
widely
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various
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 spheres, which highlights the practical impact of
this
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 situation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another crucial factor to consider is some drawbacks that
effect
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affect
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 the life of citizens .
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that some employers with
not
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a not
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 strong major
,
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apply
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don't get paid enough .
Consequently
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,they
straggle
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struggle
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 to cover their transportation bills .
For instance
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, recent studies in many
economics
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economic
urban citizens don't see their families and relatives for months demonstrate that low salaries
can't
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cannot
 afford
weekly
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a weekly
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 trip to
his
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apply
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society.
.
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apply
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Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 some individuals serve their community by giving their own
persious
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personal
 time to the benefit of
the
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apply
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society ,it is equally important to
ackmowledge
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acknowledge
 that countries should
als
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also
find solutions for
low paid
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low-paid
 employers. Ultimately, I firmly believe that the interest of the state is more important than individuals financial issues.
.
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apply
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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. Say at the start if the good points are greater than the bad points, then keep the same view to the end.
task response
Your main idea is not clear. You say moving helps the nation, but you do not fully show why this is a good thing for workers or why it is greater than being away from family.
task response
Give two clear good points and two clear bad points. For example, moving can give people better jobs and more pay, but it can make them lonely and cost a lot of money.
task response
Use real, clear examples. The example about the UK is too general and does not prove your point. Explain what kind of job people move for and what happens to them.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph on good points, one paragraph on bad points, and a conclusion. Make each paragraph about one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear first sentence. Then explain the idea, give an example, and say how it answers the question.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Write shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way: First, For example, However, As a result, and In conclusion. Do not repeat the same long phrases about the nation.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for people. Use "workers" or "people" instead of changing between "folks", "citizens", "employers", and "public".
task response
You discuss both the good side and the bad side of moving away for work.
task response
You give a clear final view that work for the country can be important.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "To begin with", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion".
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic opportunities
  • Skill development
  • Standard of living
  • Personal resilience
  • Cultural awareness
  • Emotional distress
  • Social isolation
  • Support system
  • Cultural challenges
  • Remittances
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