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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People in the current generations are not fit and active. What are the problems. What can be done to encourage people to participate in sports activities.

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Introduction
The current generation
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
show examples
 from
people
Use synonyms
 who
loves
Correct subject-verb agreement
love
show examples
 to stay at home and not
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 any type of
sport
Use synonyms
 , they are
also
Linking Words
 not fit, there are many problems
which makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
that make
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 like that.
Body paragraph 1
The
begin
Replace the word
beginning
 with problems, the technology changed the
Use synonyms
life stayle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 of
people
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes them connected most of the time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 many programs like (instagram ,
snapchat
Correct your spelling
TikTok
, ticktok and
youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
show examples
) or playing video games for hours, in
this
Linking Words
 way
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 prefer to
stayed
Wrong verb form
stay
show examples
 at home and
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 many hours
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 daies
people
Use synonyms
 like to
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 more fast food
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
also
Linking Words
 do not
workout
Replace the word
work out,
 which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them fat and
not active
Replace the word
inactive
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can
case
Use the right word
cause
show examples
 many diseases like
obsetiy
Correct your spelling
obesity
.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, there are many different ways to make
this
Linking Words
 generation more active and fit and make them
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in sports activities.
People
Use synonyms
 who spend
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media can be
motivited
Correct your spelling
motivated
to do
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 by showing
like
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 advertisement for
reward
Correct article usage
a reward
show examples
 if they participate in
marathon
Correct article usage
a marathon
show examples
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 any type of
sport
Use synonyms
.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 each other to change their
Use synonyms
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
. For
instanse
Correct your spelling
instance
, if one of
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 in
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 sports or
workout
Wrong verb form
works out
show examples
 at the
gym
Punctuation problem
gym,
show examples
 he or she can tell their
freinds
Correct your spelling
friends
 about benifit of
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 and how
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
it change the
life
Use synonyms
 style.
Also
Linking Words
starting
Punctuation problem
, starting
show examples
 from
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 the
teathcer
Correct your spelling
teacher
 can teach the students how
is important
Correct word order
important it is
show examples
 to keep your body active and fit.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 generation can change their
Use synonyms
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 and habits
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
also
Linking Words
 they can do sports activities. Whatever they do
no
Punctuation problem
, no
show examples
 matter if they spend
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of their time on
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 or just eating fast
foor
Correct your spelling
food
, there diferent ways
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 improve them by their friends or using social
mediea
Correct your spelling
media
 to show how
is important
Correct word order
important it is
show examples
 to keep your body
helthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 and active.

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task response
You answer both parts: the problems and what can be done. Your main ideas are clear: too much time online, fast food, and no exercise. Add more detail about the results, such as poor health, low energy, and stress.
task response
Your ideas for change are useful. The ad for a race, help from friends, and school lessons all fit the question. Explain how each idea will make more people join sports.
task response
Use more clear examples. For example, say that schools can give all students two sports lessons each week, or that cities can make free sports parks.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: problems first, then ways to help, then an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make your first paragraph more direct. Start with one short sentence that says the essay will look at the causes and ways to help people become active.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Try: First, Another problem, As a result, To deal with this, For example, and In conclusion. Do not use too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Keep one main idea in each sentence. For example: 'Many people spend hours on social media. As a result, they have less time for sport.'
task response
You give clear causes, such as social media, video games, fast food, and a lack of exercise.
task response
You give several useful ways to help people, including ads, friends, and schools.
coherence and cohesion
The use of separate paragraphs for problems, solutions, and the final view helps the reader follow your work.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'Moreover', 'For instance', and 'In conclusion' show an effort to link ideas.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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