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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, a prison sentence is considered as the best way to decrease crime. However, education is often argued as a more effective way. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
The crime rate has
been
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
increased rapidly over the
last
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 few years. Many countries believe
prison
Correct article usage
a prison
show examples
 sentence is the most effective method to reduce
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 growth,
while
Linking Words
 others suggest
education
Use synonyms
 as a better approach, and I agree with the former view.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, the level of criminal activities has surged lately. The type of crimes that
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 been committed by some of these criminals
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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 can not be spared to live among others, as they can be a threat to their
life
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lives
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.
For instance
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, a psycho serial killer, who has
brutely
Correct your spelling
brutally
 killed two people, deserves to be behind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bars, as
this
Linking Words
 would provide a sense of safety to
public
Correct article usage
the public
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.
Moreover
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,
this
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 type of punishment would make others think twice before committing
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 mistake.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
education
Use synonyms
 helps in building
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right mindset in
human
Check wording
humans
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. By promoting literacy, they can find
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right pathway in their life and plan a better future. To elaborate, many
small scale
Correct your spelling
small-scale
 activities,
such
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 as theft and
shoplifting
Punctuation problem
shoplifting,
show examples
 are mainly associated with individuals
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not have a goal for their future,
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as well as they do not
Correct word order
nor do they
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 have
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 qualifications to support their livelihoods.
Hence
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, they choose to use these ways to earn something for their survival.
However
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, these are the least concerning offences at the current time in
this
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 world, because some other illegal activities are imposing a big threat to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, and they cannot be stopped by only
education
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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education
Use synonyms
 can be
beneficiary
Replace the word
beneficial
 in reducing crimes, prison sentence is much more effective
to put
Change preposition
in putting
show examples
 an immediate stop to it.
Thus
Linking Words
, believe that
prisoning
Replace the word
prison
 is more effective.

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task response
You discuss both prison and education, and you give a clear view. To improve, explain more fully why prison is better than education for serious crime. Your point about danger is good, but add one more clear reason, such as keeping repeat offenders away from the public.
task response
Be careful with claims such as small crimes being the least important now. This idea is too broad and is not fully shown. Instead, say that education may help stop some small crimes, while prison is needed for serious or repeat crime.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are very narrow. The serial killer example shows why prison is needed, but add a more common example for education, such as job training helping young people find work rather than steal.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, prison, education, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state the main idea more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join too many ideas. For example, the sentence about the crimes committed by criminals is hard to follow. Use shorter sentences: say what kind of crime you mean, why the person is dangerous, and why prison is needed.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as 'For instance', 'Moreover', and 'On the other hand' help the reader. However, make sure each next sentence clearly builds on the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats your view, but it could be stronger. State both sides in one short sentence, then give your final view clearly: education can stop some crime early, but prison is needed to protect people from serious offenders.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss both views and clearly state your own view.
task response
The example of a violent offender clearly supports the idea that prison can protect the public.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a clear order, and the reader can easily see when you move from prison to education.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words to show examples, added points, and contrast.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • recidivism
  • retribution
  • rehabilitation
  • root causes
  • lawful employment
  • societal values
  • inclination
  • recidivism
  • awareness
  • immediate reduction
  • long-term solution
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