IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the goverment sholud take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their retirement. What is your opinion? Is it a postive or negative development?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is the government's duty to take care of taxpayers. A section of society thinks
,
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 it is responsibilty of the regime to provide support for
old-age
Correct article usage
the old-age
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 community,
while
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 others disagree with
this
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 view. I believe that the ruling class owes to folks in their later part of life
,
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;
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therefore
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, it is a positive development. I will elaborate upon my views in
this
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 upcoming essay.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, every individual tries to plan for the future, but there are many uncontrolled factors. There are many causes for
this
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 situation. These factors can be anything, ranging from health to wages .
For instance
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, a person earning minimum wage
,
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 and suffering from an unimaginable ailment. In a recent survey by the reputed magazine "We The People", it was found that
retired
Correct article usage
the retired
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 population who were suffering from financial instability
due to
Linking Words
 severe health problems were dependent upon state grants.The only explanation for
this
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 scenario is the event which is not in the control of a common citizen. For the sake of argument, if there was no institutional support , how would they have survived
.
Change the punctuation
?
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As a result
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, old age benefits are an important source of survival in the later period of life. Every citizen should be promised
with
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a
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 basic pension after retirement,
according to
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 the deductions from their earnings.
Body paragraph 2
Adding
further
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, every citizen is not fully aware of the undisclosed events that are about to occur in future. Some of the individuals plan for their future
,
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 by planning schemes ,
such
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 as bond investments
,
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 and provident funds.
This
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 class of workers are capable, as they earn good figures.
On the other hand
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, there are a number of people who earn minimal wages, who cannot save much for these high-yielding schemes, but they
also
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 contribute to the tax pool.
Therefore
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, it is the responsibility of the government to undertake its welfare responsibility.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, the government should make mandatory reimbursements monthly, so that citizens in their later stages of life can spend their lives comfortably.
State
Correct article usage
The state
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 should provide
with
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apply
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basic assistance to
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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 population.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. You clearly say that the state should help old people and that this is good. However, explain more fully why this is a good change for society, not only for people with little money.
task response
Make your main view more exact. You say the state has a duty, but you also say people should get help based on money taken from their pay. Explain whether all old people should get the same help, or whether help should go first to people in need.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and result. For example, low-paid workers may not save enough because rent, food, and health costs use most of their pay. State help can then stop poverty in old age.
task response
Use examples that are easy to believe and explain them well. The magazine survey is not needed because it is not fully described. A simple example of a low-paid worker with high health costs would be stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Make the plan clearer by giving each body paragraph one main idea: first, unexpected health or job problems; second, the gap between high-paid and low-paid workers.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about low pay and saving in both body paragraphs. Add a new point in the second paragraph, such as how public pensions can give old people safety and reduce the need for family support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Phrases like “There are many causes for this situation” and “The only explanation” do not fit the point well. Try simple links such as “This is because”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “However”.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and clearer. For example, change “the event which is not in the control of a common citizen” to “these events are often outside a person's control”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use “government” and “older people” instead of changing them to “regime”, “ruling class”, “folks”, and “old-age community”. This will make the essay easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view throughout the essay.
task response
You discuss important real-life points, especially low pay, health problems, and the limits of personal saving.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use several useful links, such as “To begin with”, “For instance”, “On the other hand”, and “To conclude”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • healthcare
  • poverty
  • elderly
  • financial literacy
  • planning
  • invest
  • disparities
  • acumen
  • sustainability
  • allocation
  • public service
  • dignity
  • contribution
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