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Band 4.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self employed rahter than to work for a company or organisation . why might this be the case ? what could be the disadvantage of being self employed ?

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Introduction
Recently, many individuals have tended to become
Use synonyms
self-employment
Replace the word
self-employed
instead
Linking Words
 of working for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies and other
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 trend is ubiquitous
pretty
Punctuation problem
, pretty
show examples
 much in all countries.
Although
Linking Words
 there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 beneficial sides,
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
show examples
 effects on
people
Use synonyms
 cannot be overlooked. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will first discuss
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 behind
this
Linking Words
 tendency before explaining the possible downsides of it.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason that
people
Use synonyms
have tended
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to be
Use synonyms
self-employment
Replace the word
self-employed
 is that they are
greater independences
Replace the word
more independent
 rather than employees who
work
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies or
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, they are not forced to take some responsibilities
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
fixed
Correct article usage
a fixed
show examples
 schedule
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
behavior
Correct word choice
and behaviour
show examples
 rules.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can allocate
time
Use synonyms
 for the other activities
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 instance, hanging out with friends, spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family members.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
self-employment
Use synonyms
 paves the way to gain a lot of money
Punctuation problem
. For
show examples
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who engage with cryptocurrency may have
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 financial background. For these
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 decide to
work
Use synonyms
 for themselves.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
self-employment
Use synonyms
 offers beneficial sides, it may
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 some
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
detrimental effects on
people
Use synonyms
. One of them is working hours. To put it simply, if
people
Use synonyms
 are self-employed, they
don
Use the right word
do
show examples
 not have
fixed
Correct article usage
a fixed
show examples
 schedule
Punctuation problem
. For
show examples
for instance
Linking Words
, someone may
work
Use synonyms
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may
triggers
Wrong verb form
trigger
show examples
 some
problems
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as Isolation problem
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 health
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
. Self-employed
people
Use synonyms
 may face isolation
problems
Use synonyms
 because they deprive themselves
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society by spending
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in front of a screen.
Also
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 for themselves have
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, so it creates some
healthy
Replace the word
health
problems
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 workers
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 obesity, cancer, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other types of diseases.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
self-employment
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 advantages
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
, greater
independences
Check wording
independence
show examples
, flexible working hours,
higher
Correct word choice
and higher
show examples
 earning potential, its disadvantages can
effect negatively on
Correct word order
affect people negatively,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 health
problems
Use synonyms
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 isolation
Check wording
apply
show examples
problems
Use synonyms
.

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Task response
Answer both questions in a more direct way. State clear reasons for self-employment, such as freedom, control of work time, and the chance to earn more. Then explain clear bad points, such as no regular pay, no paid leave, long work hours, and less job safety.
Task response
Develop each main idea further. For example, explain that a person who runs a small shop may earn more when sales are good, but may have no money when sales are low. This gives a clear link between the idea and the example.
Task response
Be careful with examples. Cryptocurrency is not a strong example because it is not always self-employment. Use examples like a taxi driver, online seller, or small shop owner.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, reasons, bad points, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make the topic sentence of each body paragraph more clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “One reason is...”, “Another reason is...”, “However, there are also problems.” Do not use too many links in one sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. Write shorter sentences with one main idea. For example: “Self-employed people often work long hours. As a result, they may have less time for family and friends.”
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “self-employed people” or “people who work for themselves” throughout. Avoid forms such as “be self-employment” and “greater independences,” as these make the meaning less clear.
Task response
You discuss both the reasons for self-employment and its bad points, so the main parts of the question are covered.
Task response
Your ideas about freedom, flexible time, isolation, and health are relevant to the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes the overall order easy to see.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as “In addition,” “Furthermore,” “Although,” and “In conclusion.”
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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