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Band 5.5

Tourism has been a good source of revenue in many countries and government should promote the industry. Do you agree or disagree.

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Introduction
In today’s globalised world, some argue that the
tourism
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industry
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 can be a great source of revenue in many countries, and governments should take appropriate action to promote the
industry
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 idea, as the
tourism
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industry
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 can drive economic growth and create job
opportunities
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 in the community.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major advantages of
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tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
show examples
industry
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 is that it plays a crucial role in promoting local people’s finances because when tourists visit an area, they spend on local restaurants, accommodations, and local products.
This
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 can create a wide range of job
opportunities
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 for local people and
contributes
Correct subject-verb agreement
contribute
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 significantly to
improves
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improving
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 their financial situation,
consequently
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 driving economic growth in a
country
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.
For instance
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, Turkey, a
country
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 with a powerful tourist
industry
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, annually earns a huge revenue from it, enabling the
country
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 to invest in various sections, including healthcare and
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 transport system,
while
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 attracting international companies to invest in the
country
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.
Thus
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, the
tourism
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industry
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 can have a positive impact on a
country
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’s economic
development
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, the
tourism
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industry
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 can provide unique
opportunities
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 for local people to
socialize
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socialise
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 with individuals from different cultural backgrounds.
This
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 can improve local residents’ essential skills,
such
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 as critical thinking, creativity and communication. These abilities can lead to groundbreaking innovations, which can allow companies to expand their business internationally.
Consequently
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, the
tourism
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industry
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lay
Correct subject-verb agreement
lays
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 the foundation for financial
development
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 in a
country
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.
For example
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, Iran’s traditional products, including hand-woven carpet have allowed local businesses to broaden their markets worldwide.
This
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 has helped them improve their financial circumstances
while
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 contributing to the
country
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’s economy.
Hence
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,
tourism
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 can play an indispensable role in the
development
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 of local businesses in the world, which offers a great source of revenue for countries.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, I firmly believe that the
tourism
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industry
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 is more likely to be a significant source of financial resources for numerous countries, because it promotes economic growth, creates job
opportunities
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, and contributes to
local businesses’
Correct word order
the development of local businesses
show examples
development
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 internationally.
Therefore
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, authorities should take effective measures to promote the
industry
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.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you answer both parts of the question. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly why the government should act, not only why tourism is good.
task response
Your first main point about jobs and money is clear. The second point moves from meeting people to new ideas and then to world business. This link is not fully clear. Use one direct point, such as help for small local shops, and explain it step by step.
task response
The examples are useful, but make the link to tourism clearer. For Iran, say how visitors buy carpets and how this gives money to local makers and shops.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: start, two main parts, and end. Each main part has one main idea, which makes the writing easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'consequently' and 'thus' are often used, but some links need a clearer reason before them. Shorter, more direct links will help the reader follow your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain many ideas. Split them into two sentences, especially in the second main part. This will make the order of ideas clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. You use 'revenue', 'financial resources', 'finances', and 'financial development'. Choose simple words such as 'money' or 'income' when possible, and use them in a steady way.
task response
You give a clear opinion: you agree that governments should support tourism. Your main points about jobs, local business, and growth are relevant to the question.
task response
The Turkey example supports the idea that tourism can bring money to a country and help public services.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the final part clearly brings your view back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are well planned, and phrases such as 'For instance', 'Furthermore', and 'To sum up' help show the order of your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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