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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Tourism has been a good source of revenue in many countries and government should promote the industry. Do you agree or disagree.

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Introduction
In recent years, many
governments
Use synonyms
should spend
Wrong verb form
have spent
show examples
 a large amount of money in
industry
Correct article usage
the industry
show examples
 and
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encouraged
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
 because
tourism
Use synonyms
 has been
growing a
Verb problem
generating
show examples
 financial
revenue
Use synonyms
 for several
countries
Use synonyms
 . I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because it is important to bring benefits to
authorities
Correct article usage
the authorities
show examples
 and citizens.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason why
governments
Use synonyms
 should concentrate
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
 and industries is that tourists spend money to get a good
experiment
Check wording
experience
show examples
 in their tour and feel
save
Use the right word
safe
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 and comfortable.
In other words
Linking Words
, many authorities protect and improve their tourist areas in big cities to be beautiful ,organized saved places.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 development of cities
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 citizens and tourists to visit and spend their budget for holidays in these cities.
This
Linking Words
 strategy helps
governments
Use synonyms
 to increase their
revenue
Use synonyms
 by attracting tourists from
difference
Replace the word
different
 cultures and
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 a good place for them to stay
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
long time
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, industries significantly raise financial
revenue
Use synonyms
 and export because advanced technical devices attract a huge number of nations to deal with advanced
countries
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, exportable
countries
Use synonyms
 control
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pricing devices around the world.
For example
Linking Words
, exporters can make advanced devices
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
affordable for their citizens.
As a result
Linking Words
 ,
governments
Use synonyms
 may reduce fees
and
Punctuation problem
,
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 increase employees’
salary and enhance people
Correct word order
salaries, and enhance people's
show examples
 lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
tourism
Use synonyms
 and industries are essential for many
countries
Use synonyms
, from me perspective I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because
tourist
Check wording
tourists
show examples
 and advances county attracts many
investment
Fix the agreement mistake
investments
show examples
 to spend their money
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 these strategies increase funding
revenue
Use synonyms
 ,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will bring benefits to people and authorities.

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task response
State your view in a clear way in the first part, then keep the same view in all body parts. Your second body part is mainly about industry, but the task asks about tourism. Keep most of your ideas on tourism and government support for it.
task response
Explain how tourism helps the country with clear links: visitors spend money on hotels, food, travel, and shops; this gives work to local people and brings tax money to the government.
task response
Use one real or clear example. For example, a city that makes its beaches, roads, and museums better may bring in more visitors, who then spend money in local hotels and shops.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view, one body part about money for the government, one body part about jobs and better local areas, then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part focus on one main idea. Do not move from tourism to industry without a clear reason, as this makes the answer less focused.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” can help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Write shorter sentences so that each sentence gives one clear point.
task response
You give a clear view that government support for tourism can help both the government and local people.
task response
You include useful ideas about visitors spending money and about better tourist areas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to show cause and result with phrases such as “As a result” and “Furthermore”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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