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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the governments should pay for health care and education but others think that this is not the government's responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Some people think that state and local authorities are expected to provide
health
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care
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 and
education
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 to
citizens
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due to
Linking Words
 inequalities.
However
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, others say that the
responsibility
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 of providing
health
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care
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 and
education
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 is not the government's
responsibility
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.
This
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 essay is going to examine both aspects of the discussion and present my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Supporters of the view "governments should pay for
health
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care
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 and
education
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”
stems
Correct subject-verb agreement
stem
show examples
 from an unequal relationship among
citizens
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.
This
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inequality
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 hinders
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
healthcare
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 and
education
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.
For example
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, in underdeveloped countries, most people do not have an equal way of accessing
health
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care
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 and
education
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 leads to individuals suffering from poverty.
Therefore
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, the government has a pivotal role to provide equality all over the country by offering free
healthcare
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 and
education
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 to
citizens
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
Linking Words
inequality
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 is inevitable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 even if these rights were granted, equality would not be created
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there is no need to give all
citizens
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healthcare
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 and
education
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. Human nature dictates that people always desire power and dominance. Even if these rights are granted to all
citizens
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, some kind of tricks and exceptions would be employed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
inequality
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 would arise.
Thus
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, giving
healthcare
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 and
education
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 to all
citizens
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 would not be a logical way to reduce
inequality
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
responsibility
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 to
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
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 those grants is not
governments
Check wording
the government's
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 providing these grants could maintain the rate of poverty and reduce
inequality
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, in my opinion, ensuring
education
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 and
healthcare
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not the government's
responsibility
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. After considering all,
inequality
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 stems from human nature and providing
healthcare
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 and
education
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 to
citizens
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for reducing
Wrong verb form
to reduce
show examples
inequality
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 lacks logic.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. However, the second side does not fully explain why the state should not pay. Add main reasons, such as high cost, tax, and the role of people, families, or private groups.
task response
Your main idea is about unfair gaps between people. This is useful, but you use it in both body parts in a way that makes the second view less clear. Give each side its own clear reason and explain it.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, say that free schools can help poor children get jobs, or that full state health care may mean higher tax for all workers.
task response
Your view is clear, but it needs stronger support. Explain why the fact that unfair gaps may still exist means that the state should not help at all. A more balanced view may be easier to support.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this form, but make the topic sentence of each main part more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, the move from human nature to state health care and schools needs more steps. Explain how one idea causes the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words too often, such as “inequality”, “health care and education”, and “citizens”. Use simple other words like “unfair gaps”, “these two services”, and “people” when the meaning stays clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence control. Some sentences are hard to follow, such as “Supporters of the view ... stems”. Write shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own view clearly.
task response
You try to explain your ideas, not only list them. The point about poor people not having the same chance is relevant.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a clear order, and words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your work.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main view and gives the essay a clear close.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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