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Band 4.5

The education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot read or write is even more important; governments should invest more in this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Education
Use synonyms
 is regarded as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one of the main priorities of governments, especially when it comes to young
people
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.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 some argue that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 governments should allocate more on adults who do not have
qualification
Check wording
qualifications
show examples
 for reading or writing. I believe that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 of
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation should
funded
Verb problem
be funded
show examples
 more than
the
Correct pronoun usage
that of
show examples
 adults.
Body paragraph 1
A key consideration is that young
people
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 are the generation that one day
going
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 shape the world and lead
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Therefore
Linking Words
, providing
high quality
Correct your spelling
high-quality
education
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 to
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generation should be considered imperative. If sufficient
education
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 is provided to young
people
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, they can develop the knowledge and skills which can contribute to economic growth and social progress.
This
Linking Words
 is exemplified by the fact that most acknowledged successful
people
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 like Mark Zuckerberg (CEO of Meta) unite in one common cluster: they got the most highly
qualitive
Correct your spelling
qualitative
education
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 when they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 young.
Body paragraph 2
Another compelling reason why
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should invest more
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 young
people
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’s
education
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 lies in the fact that
this
Linking Words
 can prevent illiteracy in the next generations. Assuming that children
recieved
Correct your spelling
received
 proper
from
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education
show examples
 before adolescence, they are far less likely to enter adulthood without knowing basic writing or reading.
Consequently
Linking Words
, governments can address the root cause of illiteracy
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 prioritising young
people
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’s
education
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 adult illiteracy programs are
undoublty
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
 significant, I maintain that
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
 should prioritise investment
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 younger generations’
education
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.
This
Linking Words
 stems from the fact that younger generations
going
Verb problem
are going
show examples
 to shape the future of society
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 providing them a
stong
Correct your spelling
strong
 foundation of
education
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 could prevent
illeteracy
Correct your spelling
illiteracy
 in the future.

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task response
Make your view fully clear in the first paragraph. State that you agree only to a small extent, because young people need more money, while adults still need basic reading and writing help.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. You explain why young people should come first, but you give very little detail about why adult reading and writing classes are important.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, adults who can read may get better work, understand health facts, and help their children at school.
task response
Use a more suitable example. Mark Zuckerberg is not strong proof that public school money should mainly go to young people. Also, he did not finish university, so this example may make your point less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this simple plan.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea, then explain it and give one example. This will make your points easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “therefore”, “consequently”, and “although” are useful, but make sure the sentence after them gives a direct result or contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear or incomplete links, such as “Assuming that children recieved proper from before adolescence”. Say exactly what children receive and when: “If children receive good basic education from an early age, ...”
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words throughout. For example, choose “young people”, “adults”, “education”, and “illiteracy”, rather than changing to less clear phrases such as “one common cluster” or “root cause” without full explanation.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear main view: young people’s education should receive more government money.
task response
Your second main point is relevant: good education for children can reduce illiteracy later in life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, including “therefore”, “consequently”, and “in conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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