IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, boys and girls are educated in different school rather than in the same school. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In some regions,
women
Use synonyms
 and men are divided into different academic
instituations
Replace the word
institutions
instead
Linking Words
 of
mixed
Correct article usage
a mixed
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 for
both
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can have
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 advantage of
specilizing
Correct your spelling
specialising
children
Use synonyms
 more in jobs that are for
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
 more than the other.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 there is
disadvantage
Correct article usage
a disadvantage
show examples
 when
activities
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
require
both
Use synonyms
genders
Use synonyms
these
Correct word choice
, as these
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
 cannot do these
activities
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand,
Use synonyms
one
Correct word choice
single-gender
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
schools
Use synonyms
 can help kids to be specialists in future jobs that are for
women
Use synonyms
. There are
schools
Use synonyms
 that have
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
cook
Correct your spelling
cookery
one
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
prepare
Correct subject-verb agreement
prepares
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 to be
home sitting
Correct your spelling
home-sitting
 mothers when they are taught
there
Rephrase
apply
show examples
all
mothers
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 responsibilities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, these
schools
Use synonyms
 are for girls only to dedicate their whole time in these
instituations
Replace the word
institutions
 to these
subjects
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if these
schools
Use synonyms
 were mixed
genders
Use synonyms
, they would give
children
Use synonyms
 more
subjects
Use synonyms
 to satisfy
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 needs.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 would make girls study more
subjects
Use synonyms
 that are irrelevant to
this
Linking Words
 job.
This
Linking Words
 can have only relevant
topics
Use synonyms
 and
subjects
Use synonyms
 to prepare
women
Use synonyms
in progress to
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 job.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are educational
activities
Use synonyms
can
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 require
both
Use synonyms
genders
Use synonyms
together
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to do them
, the
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
one
Use synonyms
gender
Use synonyms
schools
Use synonyms
do
Correct pronoun usage
that do
show examples
 not have them. There are
subjects
Use synonyms
 that are better for
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 understanding to act them
together
Change preposition
out together
show examples
 to understand them
instead
Linking Words
 of just reading them.
For instance
Linking Words
, art
subject
Check wording
subjects
show examples
 that have complex
topics
Use synonyms
 for old poems and
novals
Correct your spelling
novels
. These old books have old word can be confusing and
boaring
Use the right word
boring
show examples
 for those
children
Use synonyms
. These
topics
Use synonyms
 are easier for
children
Use synonyms
 to understand
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
when they
are acting
Wrong verb form
act
show examples
 them
in
Change preposition
out in
show examples
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
 together. Because Hamlet
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 a book have
both
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
 and men characters.
One
Use synonyms
gender
Use synonyms
schools
Use synonyms
 may not be able to do these
activities
Use synonyms
 that require
both
Use synonyms
genders
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can only read these books without understanding them fully because
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 complex and old words
in them
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 are
activities
Use synonyms
 that require
both
Use synonyms
genders
Use synonyms
 to make
childre
Correct your spelling
children
 understand their educational
topics
Use synonyms
 more.
While
Linking Words
 these
one
Use synonyms
gender
Use synonyms
schools
Use synonyms
can be
Verb problem
may
show examples
 lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these
activities
Use synonyms
. So, a lot of
topics
Use synonyms
 can be complex for them because they have old words.
Then
Linking Words
 they are
supossed
Correct your spelling
supposed
 to read them
instead
Linking Words
 of acting them
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be fun and understandable.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these
schools
Use synonyms
 can prepare
one
Use synonyms
gender
Use synonyms
 to his future job to give them relevant
subjects
Use synonyms
. And these
schools
Use synonyms
 dedicate the whole
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 education time to these
subjects
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question: you give one good point and one bad point. However, the main ideas are not fully clear or strong. The idea that girls should learn only home work and become mothers is too narrow and is not well shown as a true good point of single-sex schools.
task response
Use fair and wide ideas. For example, separate schools may help some students feel more free to speak in class. On the other hand, mixed schools can help boys and girls learn to work, talk, and solve problems together.
task response
Explain each main point with a clear reason and one example. Your Hamlet example is linked to the topic, but a school can still act a play with only boys or only girls. So it does not fully prove that this activity cannot happen in a one-gender school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each main part more direct. For example: 'One advantage of separate schools is that some students may feel more at ease in class.' Then explain this idea step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea many times. In the last part, you repeat that old books are hard and that acting is more fun. Say the point once, then add a new reason or example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. 'While' is often used in a way that makes the sentence hard to read. Use short links such as 'However', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In contrast'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the conclusion short and balanced. It should restate both sides and give your final view. Do not add new details about old words or plays there.
task response
You discuss both an advantage and a disadvantage, so you address the full question.
task response
You try to use a real example, Hamlet, to support your point. This is a good habit.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' helps show the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one main subject, which helps the reader see your plan.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: