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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
It is
independency
Replace the word
independence
 which is an important argument in recent years,
while
Linking Words
 some people believe that in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society, individuals have more dependency on others. Some others think that many humans have become more independent. I completely agree with the latter because of the
increase
Replace the word
increased
 value of being
self-reliant
Correct article usage
a self-reliant
show examples
 person.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, many children live with their parents after higher education.
For example
Linking Words
, in the past
youngsters
Punctuation problem
, youngsters
show examples
 used to marry and live completely independent from their mothers and fathers, but we can see a large number of students
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are
at
Verb problem
pursuing
show examples
master
Check wording
master's
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 and doctoral
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 and are mainly dependent on their families in regard to financial issues. At the same time, because of their long-term
education
Add a comma
education,
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 they can earn a decent career
laters
Correct your spelling
later
. So their families should provide them with financial
supports
Check wording
support
show examples
. Despite
this
Linking Words
 argument, I agree with the idea that modern life
trying
Verb problem
is trying
show examples
become
Verb problem
to become
show examples
 independent
has increased
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other side, it is an independent woman who
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
 alone and
responsible
Verb problem
is responsible
show examples
. These self-reliant young ladies try
having
Wrong verb form
to have
show examples
 decent and
high paid
Correct your spelling
high-paid
 jobs.
As a result
Linking Words
, they
no
Verb problem
are no
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 longer interested in marriage and
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 their goals.
In other words
Linking Words
, they rely on themselves for everything that they wish to have.
For example
Linking Words
, a psychosocial research in Yale university of United States
2020
Change preposition
in 2020
show examples
 had shown that many girls and
womans
Correct your spelling
women
 choose to live alone, apart from their families and maybe with their pets,
Body paragraph 3
because of their high income.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it seems to me that
independency
Replace the word
independence
 is rising in recent years.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 it is understandable that in
non traditional
Correct determiner usage
a non-traditional
show examples
 society
dependency
Punctuation problem
, dependency
show examples
 has changed.
Although
Linking Words
 some
ones
Correct pronoun usage
people
show examples
 are
force
Wrong verb form
forced
show examples
 to rely on their parental
supports
Check wording
support
show examples
, I definitely believe that the presence of independent girls with high revenues can't be ignored.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, the first side is not fully clear. Explain more clearly why people may need others today, such as high home costs, long study, or care for old family members.
task response
Your main view is clear: people are more able to live by themselves. Add a wider range of people, not only women, so your answer is more fair and complete.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, say that better pay and online services can help adults pay bills, find work, and live away from family.
task response
Use examples with care. The Yale study is too general and is not explained. A simple real-life example may be stronger, such as a young worker who rents a flat and pays all living costs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the first body paragraph clearly support the view that people are more dependent, and make the second one clearly support the other view.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Keep sentences short: subject, verb, then the main idea. For example: “Many students depend on their parents because they cannot pay for long years of study.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more exactly. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” are useful, but avoid unclear links such as “Despite this argument.” State your view directly at the end of the first paragraph instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion say both views again in a simple way, then give your final view. Do not add new ideas there.
language
Check key word forms and basic grammar: “independence,” “dependent,” “women,” “later,” “pursue,” “are no longer interested,” and “are forced.” These errors sometimes make your meaning less clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and clearly state your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a useful overall shape with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You give a reason for each side, including family money support and the wish to have a well-paid job.
coherence and cohesion
You use several clear linking words, such as “For example,” “As a result,” “In other words,” and “In conclusion.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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