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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
People
Use synonyms
 have different views about being dependent or
self-reliable
Correct word choice
self-reliant
show examples
 in recent
modern
Check wording
modern times
show examples
Body paragraph 1
lives.
Although
Linking Words
 we become gradually more dependent individuals, I completely agree
Body paragraph 2
with
Capitalize the word
With
show examples
this
Linking Words
 idea that
self-reliable
Correct word choice
self-reliant
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are obvious the increasing number of.
Body paragraph 3
On one hand, there are two main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why
people
Use synonyms
 are more reliant
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 others in modern
life
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the age of marriage is rising in recent
decade
Fix the agreement mistake
decades
show examples
,
therefore
Linking Words
 more youngsters live with their parents for a long time.
For example
Linking Words
, in the past
people
Use synonyms
 used to marry at the age of twenty, but
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 modern society, many young men and women prefer to stay single until their
40
Fix the agreement mistake
40s
show examples
. So they would no longer become dependent
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their parent, in regard to basic needs
including
Correct word order
apply
show examples
:
money
Change preposition
including money
show examples
, house,
cooking
Correct word choice
and cooking
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, many parents provide their children with the cost of higher education. It is because they believe that the more
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
show examples
 you have, the more chances you have of finding a decent job. In result, these changes lead
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 more dependency in
life
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 4
On the other side, it is being self-focused and self-reliant
been
Verb problem
has been
show examples
 increased and praised. Many young women tend to become financially independent. They prefer to have high-paid careers for themselves, rather
to
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 be dependent
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their husbands or parents. Many psychological approaches state that
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 for an independent
life
Use synonyms
 is a part of success.
For example
Linking Words
, an American psychologist in his theory in 2020 has mentioned that young single ladies who were more self-focused
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 had
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 more successful and had more career
satisfactions
Check wording
satisfaction
show examples
.
Body paragraph 5
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 modern
life
Use synonyms
 has increased
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dependency, it seems to me that
Conclusion
independent
Correct article usage
An independent
show examples
 style of
life
Use synonyms
 is praised and increased.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. The first view says people need others more, but the second view needs more detail about why people are more independent.
task response
Make your own view fully clear. You first say people are becoming more dependent, but then say independent life is growing. State which change is stronger and keep this view the same through the essay.
task response
Explain each main idea more. For example, say how living with parents can make young people depend on them, and say how work and money can help women live on their own.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The example about an American psychologist is too general. Give a clear fact or a simple example from daily life instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion. Keep this clear plan, but make the first sentence of each part state the main idea in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, use 'as a result' instead of 'in result', and use 'this leads to' instead of 'lead in'.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not match the point before them. In the first main part, the line 'they would no longer become dependent' should say that they may stay dependent on their parents.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long or unclear sentences. Write short sentences with one main point, then add an explanation or example.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You use useful ideas about late marriage, help with study costs, and women earning their own money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'Firstly', 'For example', 'Secondly', and 'In conclusion'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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