IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that it is wrong to give money to beggars asking for money on the street, while others think that it is the right thing to do. Which point of view do you think is correct, and why?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some portion of people believe that it is
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
good to give
money
Use synonyms
 to
beggars
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
the other portion believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
others believe
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 that it is not appropriate. I deeply
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that giving
money
Use synonyms
 to
beggars
Use synonyms
 is not the best
way
Use synonyms
 to help them, because it does not
adress
Correct your spelling
address
 the root cause.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, we need to consider some factors which impact countries highly in terms of unemployment, homelessness and other
econimical
Correct your spelling
economic
 issues. One of those factors is
psychological
Correct article usage
the psychological
show examples
 process
those
Correct word choice
that those
show examples
beggars
Use synonyms
 were exposed to
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they were
isolated from society eventually
Correct word order
eventually isolated from society
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 and ended up being
as
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apply
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homeless
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the streets. So,
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
reason,
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 I believe that just giving
money
Use synonyms
 to them will not make them happy or self-esteemed in the long term.
Additionally
Linking Words
, we do not know how the
money
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 will be used, which creates another uncertainty. So in an indirect
way
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, we can
also
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 be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 contributor to the crime.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, I deeply believe that it creates dependency, because they will not have any motivation to work and be part of
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
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 if they receive free financial support. In
this
Linking Words
 case, their physical and intellectual skills can
be deteriorated
Wrong verb form
deteriorate
show examples
 over the time horizon, as they do not need to use them to earn
money
Use synonyms
.
Instead
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, I think the better
way
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 to help people is
donating
Wrong verb form
to donate
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 to well-known institutions. In
this
Linking Words
 case, a lot of families can get financial support, at least we can be more reassured that the
money
Use synonyms
 we donated will be used for good.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the best
way
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 to help people financially is
donating
Change preposition
by donating
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 to well-known institutions rather than giving
money
Use synonyms
 to random
beggars
Use synonyms
 in the street. Because it can create dependency, and will not be
real
Correct article usage
a real
show examples
 solution which is sustainable in the long term.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first paragraph, then keep the same view in every part. You do this well, but explain more fully why help from groups is better than money given on the street.
task response
Give one clear real-life example. For example, a local group may use gifts to give food, a bed, health care, or help to find work. This would make your ideas more clear and strong.
task response
Be careful with broad claims. Not every person who begs will use money for crime or stop trying to work. Say that this may happen in some cases, and explain why.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep using this simple plan, with one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body paragraph more focused. It moves from mental health to how money is used and then to crime. Choose one main point, explain it, and then add a short example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “For example”. Do not repeat “I deeply believe” too often; use “I think” or state the idea directly.
coherence and cohesion
Check a few word forms and spelling so the meaning stays clear: “I believe”, “address”, “economic”, “the workforce”, “over time”, and “a real solution”.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view: giving money on the street is not the best form of help.
task response
Your main reasons are relevant: direct gifts may not solve the main problem, while trusted groups can give more planned help.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well, and the two body paragraphs each have a main reason.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “Firstly”, “Additionally”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion”, so the reader can follow your ideas.
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