IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertainment and ecological important. Discuss both views

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Introduction
It is widely
recognized
Change the spelling
recognised
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 that wild species in the zoo are badly affected,
because of
Change preposition
for
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 many reasons.
This
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 issue has generated significant discussion regarding the terrible
situation
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 of the
animals
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 in different kinds of zoos and the possible solution to provide both entertainment and a healthy environment for the creatures.
This
Linking Words
 essay
examine
Correct subject-verb agreement
examines
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 both aspects in detail to provide an objective analysis of the
situation
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument concerning the main drawback that affects zoo
animals
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 negatively in
small
Correct article usage
a small
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 area. The primary factor behind
this
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 is that the
animals
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 can't live their natural life in the same way as if they were in their habitat.
As a result
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,
animals
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 become weaker. A clear illustration of
this
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 can be seen in many zoos that provide medical and healthcare hospitals for the
animals
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, which highlights the practical impact of
this
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situation
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another crucial factor to consider is the concept of the safari that has a magnificent impact on wild creatures.
This
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 can be addressed
due to
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 the fact that a safari is a huge reserve that
form
Correct subject-verb agreement
forms
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 a real natural environment for the
animals
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.
Consequently
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, wild species can live in their original habitat,
while
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 people can enjoy outdoor trips.
For instance
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, recent studies in the environment demonstrate that the
animals
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 of the reserves are
more healthy
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healthier
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 the concept of the zoo is a major source of entertainment, it is equally important to address that the health of wild
animals
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need
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needs
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 to be considered too. Ultimately, effective strategies should be implemented to manage
this
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 ongoing
situation
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.

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task response
Discuss both views more directly. Explain why some people think zoos are wrong, then explain why others think zoos are useful for fun and for protecting animals.
task response
Your second main idea is about safari parks, not normal zoos. Link it clearly to the question, or explain how zoos can copy large, more natural places.
task response
Give a clear final view. Say whether zoos should close, or stay open only when they give animals enough space, care, and help to live.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, explain how a zoo can help save an animal that is close to dying out, or how a small cage can cause stress.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. However, the first body part is not fully clear because the example about animal hospitals does not strongly show why zoo life is harmful.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow one simple plan: main idea, reason, example, and result. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. Words such as 'First', 'However', 'For example', and 'Therefore' can make the two views easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and grammar in key sentences. For example, write 'This essay examines', 'a huge reserve that forms', and 'animals are healthier'.
task response
You include both sides: the harm caused by small zoo spaces and the good side of large natural reserves.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', 'Consequently', and 'In conclusion'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • keep animals in zoos
  • animal rights
  • lose freedom
  • small cage
  • natural habitat
  • live in the wild
  • feel stress
  • poor health
  • depend on humans
  • for human entertainment
  • unfair treatment
  • protect endangered animals
  • breeding program
  • save rare species
  • public education
  • learn about nature
  • wildlife protection
  • support research
  • protect habitats
  • good animal care
  • conservation work
  • ecologically important
  • balanced view
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