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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculam. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The figure of obese
people
Use synonyms
 is growing
is
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 putting strain on the medicine industry in an effort to deal with
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
issue
Check wording
issues
show examples
 involved. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the best way to deal with
this
Linking Words
 is to include more physical education lessons in the school subjects. The best way to cure a disease is to deal with the roots
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the symptoms of it. To be more obvious, if obese
people
Use synonyms
 have unhealthy
that
Check wording
habits that
show examples
 cause obesity, the training would not change these habits. Because of
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
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 I completely disagree with the given statement
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 schools can hire
food
Use synonyms
 specialists to change those
people
Use synonyms
's habits.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, Obesity would not be dealt with by training, but it
prevent
Wrong verb form
can be prevented
show examples
 with
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle. Some children can be obese
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they tend to eat unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 regularly. Here, the problem that
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 them to be overweight is their lifestyle. For those
people
Use synonyms
, if they were exercising daily during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school time, they would gain weight again during
months
Correct article usage
the months
show examples
 off school with their unhealthy lifestyle.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they followed a healthy diet, they would lose unhealthy fats over time. Those fats that are made by fast
food
Use synonyms
 and other unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
Also
Linking Words
 they cause obesity.
For example
Linking Words
,
accoarding
Correct your spelling
according
 to
TED
Correct article usage
the TED
show examples
 health
podcast
Punctuation problem
podcast,
show examples
said that
Verb problem
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who have a healthy diet with regular daily walking
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 can lose
their
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
their unhealthy weight in progress.
Conclusion
As a
sloution
Correct your spelling
solution
,
nutritionist
Correct article usage
a nutritionist
show examples
 can help those
people
Use synonyms
 to change their unhealthy diets. Children sometimes do not understand the consequences
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 bad
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. For these
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, they can prefer unhealthy products
such
Linking Words
 chocoletes and sugary products because of their taste. So, they must have alternatives to their unhealthy preferences
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 specialists.
While
Linking Words
 those specialists can provide alternatives similar to their unhealthy products but
healtheir
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
.
Instead
Linking Words
 of
prevention
Replace the word
preventing
 them or
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 them
strict
Correct article usage
a strict
show examples
 diet
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
 may not tolerate.
This
Linking Words
 can ensure that they would be satisfied with the healthier diets. So those nutritionists can be hired by schools to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem appropriately
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 because of all
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 I
utterely
Correct your spelling
utterly
 disagree.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you do not agree that more PE is the best answer. Keep this view clear in every part of the essay.
task response
Answer the key words in the question more fully. Explain why PE can help, then show why food habits may be more important. This will make your view more fair and strong.
task response
Give a clearer plan. For example, schools could teach food lessons, give healthy meals, and ask parents to help at home. Then explain how each step can cut obesity.
task response
Your example is too general. Do not use an unclear podcast claim. Use a simple made-up example, such as a child who eats less fast food and walks each day.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: first paragraph with your view, one paragraph about why PE is not enough, one paragraph about food and school help, then a short end paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: "PE alone cannot solve obesity." Then give reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the same idea is said more than once. Make sentences shorter and keep one idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple way: "First," "However," "For example," "As a result," and "In short." Do not use "while" when you mean "but" or "instead."
coherence and cohesion
End with a short, direct answer. Say that PE is useful, but healthy food teaching and help from home are needed too.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You give a useful main idea: unhealthy food habits are a key cause of obesity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending idea.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples and cause-and-effect links, such as how food habits can lead to weight gain.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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