IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that childhood is the best stage of happiness.While others believe that a person can enjoy more happiness in other stages of life? Discuss both views and give your opinion?

7.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some people argue that youth is the most remarkable and happiest part of individuals’ lives. Others believe that adults are happier inasmuch as they have more freedom and independence. Regardless of these two points, I am convinced that the early
years
Use synonyms
 are always an amazing and carefree period; looking back, those
years
Use synonyms
 were incredibly special to me.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine these opinions in detail.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, adults have no limits on their actions, which is often referred to as independence and the absence of strong parental guidance;
moreover
Linking Words
, they shoulder responsibility for their own lives. Adults can do everything that
children
Use synonyms
 only dream of doing, ranging from buying a tasty chocolate bar to travelling abroad with friends. To illustrate, I am an operational manager in an international company, and my salary is high enough for travelling abroad.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I am proud of the chance to be independent of my parents’ financial resources, and
this
Linking Words
 makes me happier. Ultimately, many people perceive freedom and a lack of control as a key factor in happiness.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the formative
years
Use synonyms
 are the most significant time span.
Children
Use synonyms
 are often surrounded by boundless love and care, with physical and,
above all
Linking Words
, financial security.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are more impressionable
:
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they tend to be happy simply because of a warm family environment, and even ordinary positive things can capture their attention. To illustrate, one of the most remarkable memories from my early
years
Use synonyms
 is that my dad used to pick me up from kindergarten once a week and,
instead
Linking Words
 of going straight home, we went to a café to eat burgers. It was always just the two of us.
Such
Linking Words
 an example clearly illustrates the view that the warmest and most enchanting memories come from the period of growing up, when
children
Use synonyms
 seem to be the happiest beings in the world.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 adulthood offers freedom, independence and financial security, I firmly believe that the early stage of life is the happiest. It is a time of unconditional love, carefree days and simple joys, and these are the memories that stay with us long after we grow up.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your view stronger, say more clearly why love and care in childhood matter more than freedom in adult life.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but the adult side could be more full. For example, explain how adults can choose their work, home, friends, and travel, and why this can bring long-term happiness.
task response
Your own examples are relevant and easy to understand. Try to add one wider example about other people, not only your own life, so the essay feels less personal.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas work well. Still, do not use too many long sentences with many ideas. Split some sentences into two shorter ones for a smoother flow.
coherence and cohesion
The first main part says adults have freedom, but it then moves quickly to your job and money. Add one sentence that links freedom, money, and happiness more directly.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, you repeat your main view well. You could make it even stronger by briefly comparing both sides in one final sentence before giving your last view.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain both views and clearly state your own view.
task response
The examples about travel, work, and time with your father are specific and strongly support your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one clear main idea, and the opening and ending clearly frame the whole essay.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” guide the reader well.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: