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Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people think that parents have the greatest influence on their child's academic development, while others think that a child's teacher has more influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
One way to
sastain
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sustain
 humanity is to provide
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 adequate education system. Some might argue that the
acadami
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academic
 improvement is
soley
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solely
 upon the
parents
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,
while
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 others
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 the
teachers
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 should
bare
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bear
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 the duty. In my Opinion, both
parents
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 and
teachers
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 have equal
obligation
Fix the agreement mistake
obligations
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.
Body paragraph 1
The main purpose of
parents
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are
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is
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 the
resposbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of children. By providing school
equipement
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equipment
, the kids would advance
acadamically
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academically
.
This
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 would help keep up the children with their
school
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schoolwork
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.
However
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,
If
Fix capitalization
if
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 the
Parents
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 do not provide, the children might
be
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apply
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feel
neglacted
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neglected
 and bullied.
Furthermore
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, the
well-beign
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well-being
of
child's
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a child's
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 health has a
roll
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role
show examples
 to play in their life. For enhancing the education level, the
patents
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patients
show examples
 should provide a
ruting
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routine
 medical
check up
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check-up
.
Body paragraph 2
On the
othere
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other
 hand, one may say that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
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teachers
Check wording
teacher's
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 main purpose is to develop their
acadamy
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academy
.
Knowledge
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 is the
power house
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powerhouse
 for
servival
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survival
.
For Instance
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, for decades, the rise of technology is soley because of
knowledge
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.
Additionally
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, by feeding
knowledge
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, the
teachers
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 will prepare the students for the future. Which is crucial for their career.
Hence
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, learning will forecast a better future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both can
benetit
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benefit
 the child's education. The
parents
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 can provide a necessary
epuipement
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equipment
 as needed and, taking
carring
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care
show examples
of the
heath
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health
.
while
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 the
teacher's
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teachers
show examples
would
enhnce
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enhance
 their
knowledge
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, and
insure
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ensure
show examples
 their future.

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task response
You discuss both parents and teachers, and you give your view. However, your main view is not fully clear because you say they have equal duty, but you do not explain why their effect is equal.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For parents, explain how help at home, study time, books, food, and care can change a child’s school work. For teachers, explain how clear lessons, feedback, and class help can change learning.
task response
Use examples that are about a child at school. The point about technology is too wide and does not show how a teacher helps one child learn.
task response
Make your final view stronger. You could say that parents build good habits at home, while teachers give expert help in class; therefore, both are needed, but teachers may have a more direct effect on school results.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, parents, teachers, and end. Keep this form, but make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are weak. For example, move from school things to health with a clear link: “Also, parents can support learning by making sure their child is healthy.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not start a new sentence with “Which is crucial for their career.” Join it to the sentence before it: “This is crucial for their future career.”
coherence and cohesion
Use key words in the same way. Choose “academic development” or “school progress” and use it through the essay. Avoid unclear words such as “develop their academy.”
coherence and cohesion
Check basic word form and spelling, as these can make ideas hard to follow. For example: “sustain,” “academic,” “solely,” “responsibility,” “equipment,” “well-being,” and “health.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present the parent side, the teacher side, and your own view.
task response
Your parent paragraph includes useful real-life support, such as school things and health care.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph focuses mainly on one group.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as “However,” “Furthermore,” “Additionally,” and “In conclusion.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • academic development
  • nurturing environment
  • foundational skills
  • extracurricular activities
  • motivation
  • academic performance
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • specialized knowledge
  • educational techniques
  • structured learning
  • learning style
  • diverse resources
  • understanding
  • retention
  • social interactions
  • communication skills
  • teamwork
  • balanced influence
  • effective academic development
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