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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people think that museums should be enjoulyable places to entertain people while others believe that the purpose of museum is to educate people . discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
museums
Use synonyms
 should be allocated for
people
Use synonyms
 who are looking for fun. Others,
however
Linking Words
, believe that
museums
Use synonyms
 are made to educate
people
Use synonyms
. I partially agree because
museums
Use synonyms
 should be allocated for education with an enjoyable approach at the same
time
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it is widely believed that
museums
Use synonyms
 are made for education and knowing information about cultures, biology, and science, and
people
Use synonyms
 have to respect these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of places.
This
Linking Words
 is because
museums
Use synonyms
 should be quiet in order to let
people
Use synonyms
 focus and learn perfectly.
However
Linking Words
, in recent years, there are another approachs to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 in an
enjouyable
Correct your spelling
enjoyable
 way,
such
Linking Words
 as
screen
Check wording
screens
show examples
 with images to help
people
Use synonyms
 understand, and
intractive exaplanation
Correct your spelling
interactive explanation
 technology to make the process easier for
educating
Replace the word
education
. These help
people
Use synonyms
 to learn and having good
time
Use synonyms
 simultaneously.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
museums
Use synonyms
 are just for educating and they are not able to having good
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is an old approach because there are some features
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 been shown lately, and there are some companies and governemts applied it to keep pace with the modern era.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
museums
Use synonyms
 in the UK
are depending
Wrong verb form
depend
show examples
 mostly on mixed exhibitation method,
such
Linking Words
 as
organaizing
Correct your spelling
organising
 well-planned
event
Check wording
events
show examples
 in the middle of the museum,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 helps
people
Use synonyms
 to stay longer, learn, and enjoy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in modern life, there are
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 ideas
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 mixing between educating and having a good
time
Use synonyms
 in some modern educational institutions
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
museums
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that pure educational
museums
Use synonyms
 with
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
show examples
 learning approach
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the best way to learn and enjoy.

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task response
Discuss both views more clearly. The first body paragraph should explain why some people want museums to be fun. The second should explain why others want them to teach. At the moment, both paragraphs mostly talk about learning and fun together.
task response
Make your own view very clear from the start and keep it the same. You say museums should teach in an enjoyable way, but the last line says “pure educational museums”. This may make the reader unsure of your view.
task response
Give one clear reason and one real example for each view. For example, fun shows can bring in children and families, while quiet rooms and clear facts can help people learn about history.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction, reasons for enjoyable museums, reasons for educational museums, then your view. Start each body paragraph with a sentence that directly states the view in that paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid changing direction inside a paragraph. In the first paragraph, you begin with education but then move to fun learning. Keep one main idea in each paragraph and explain it before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words carefully, such as “First”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Do not repeat “some people believe” too often. Use words like “supporters of this view” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the example easier to follow. Say what the UK museum event is, why it is held, and how it helps visitors learn as well as enjoy the visit.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view. You also try to use an example from museums in the UK.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. You use linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “For instance”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • entertain
  • educate
  • exhibits
  • interactive displays
  • artifacts
  • history
  • knowledge
  • learning
  • entertainment
  • engaging
  • enriching
  • stimulating
  • inspiring
  • informative
  • perspective
  • appreciation
  • balance
  • opinion
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