IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture, while others think supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population and the culture. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is a
wast
Correct your spelling
waste
 of money for the government
invest
Verb problem
to invest
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that the
people
Use synonyms
 can benefit by helping the cultural activities.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
discess
Correct your spelling
discuss
 both
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 before explaining why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the government should
subsidize the
Change the spelling
subsidise
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
Use synonyms
, because
history
Use synonyms
 would be reserved and
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it will help
people
Use synonyms
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
 their identity.
Body paragraph 1
The first perspective is that cultural activities are part of our
history
Use synonyms
. Because it is one way to learn your past, and how
people
Use synonyms
 evolve over the
perviouse
Correct your spelling
previous
 years. Music,
for instance
Linking Words
, has been part of our
history
Use synonyms
. The evolution of music over the period can show the
imprtance
Correct your spelling
importance
 of cultural activities.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
Use synonyms
 can glorify the identity of the
people
Use synonyms
, which is why
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the countries have their own music and tradition,
as a result
Linking Words
, it can help them identify their
orgine
Correct your spelling
origin
.
Hence
Linking Words
, the government should
fund
Verb problem
focus
show examples
 on
reserving
Use the right word
preserving
show examples
history
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others argue that the
officals
Correct your spelling
officials
 should focus more on technology. In the
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
breaking age, the most
importat
Correct your spelling
important
 thing
do
Verb problem
to do
show examples
 is to invest
on is
Change preposition
in
show examples
 AI
programes
Correct your spelling
programs
, which
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
far more surpassed the expectations. A
cleare
Correct your spelling
clear
 example of
this
Linking Words
 can be in medical tech, a large
amont
Correct your spelling
amount
 of
people
Use synonyms
 are
reciving
Correct your spelling
receiving
 help because of the
technology break through
Replace the word
technological breakthrough
.
Although
Linking Words
 the argument has some merits,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that learning the
history
Use synonyms
 of medical
art
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can even elivate the humanity.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are valid arguments on both sides, in my opinion, the elected
officals
Correct your spelling
officials
 should
subsidize
Change the spelling
subsidise
show examples
 the
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
mainly
Verb problem
is mainly
show examples
 because it would help humanity
reserve
Verb problem
preserve
show examples
 our
orgine
Correct your spelling
origin
 and maintain our identity.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss the other view more fully. Explain why some people think public money should go to health, schools, roads, or new science instead of art and culture.
task response
Make your own view clear from the start and support it with stronger reasons. For example, say how public support can save old places, local music, and events that may not get enough private money.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear idea, an explanation, and one real or possible example. The point about medical history does not strongly answer the view about spending on technology.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduce both views and your view; explain the view against funding; explain the view for funding; then give a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a direct main sentence. For example: “People against public funding think money is needed for more urgent public needs.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Do not use “Because” as a full sentence by itself.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. The first body paragraph mixes history and identity; these can be linked more clearly or given separate support.
task response
You discuss both sides and clearly state that you support public funding for art and culture.
task response
Your ideas about saving history and helping people know who they are are relevant and useful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the overall shape is clear.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: