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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today children spend a lot of their free time watching TV. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this practice? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays,
kids
Use synonyms
 can spend a lot of their free
time
Use synonyms
 watching television. Personally, younger people can acquire useful knowledge from watching television
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as how they can treat
animals
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 in
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 appropriate way.
This
Linking Words
 advantage can outweigh the disadvantage of acquiring inappropriate
words
Use synonyms
 from watching it.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
children
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 can learn more about
Use synonyms
animals'
Check wording
animal
show examples
 treatment by watching
TV
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.
Kids
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 may
use
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 their free
time
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 watching
TV
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. At
this
Linking Words
 point, they can encounter some good channels that teach them about
others
Correct word choice
other
show examples
 creatures.
For example
Linking Words
, National geographic that display
animals
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 in their habitats and
also
Linking Words
 what
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 food is good for them and what is not.
This
Linking Words
 can give
children
Use synonyms
 useful knowledge about
animals
Use synonyms
 and how
they
Wrong verb form
to
show examples
 treat them appropriately.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if some
kids
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 did not watch
this
Linking Words
, they would give
animals
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 in zoos inappropriate food.
This
Linking Words
 food can be fried fries
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is bad for
animals
Use synonyms
' health. But, fortunately,
children
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 can acquire the right information and treatment about
animals
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while
Linking Words
 they are watching
TV
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
children
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 would gain some inappropriate
words
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 from
TV
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they watched it unsupervised. Sometimes,
kids
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 can watch
TV
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 alone without their
parents
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 during their free
time
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. During
this
Linking Words
time
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, they can possibly encounter
adults
Correct word choice
adult
show examples
movies
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 and watch them until the end
of them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Unfortunately, there are some
movies
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 that can have inappropriate
words
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 for
kids
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. These
words
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kids
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 can acquire from
movies
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 and
use
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 them in their daily lives.
For example
Linking Words
, a word
such
Linking Words
 as nigga
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is a bad word
sometimes
Punctuation problem
, sometimes
show examples
 actors
use
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 it in their
movies
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.
This
Linking Words
 word is offinsive and if
children
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 did
use
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 it like actors for someone from different colour, they would hurt them accidentally. So it is important for
children
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 to be supervised by their
parents
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,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Then
Linking Words
parents
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 would teach them about
words
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 and how to
use
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 them
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they encountered one of them accidentally.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
kids
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 can
use
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 their free
time
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 in a useful way to learn about
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animals'
Check wording
animal
show examples
 treatment from channels.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the disadvantages of spending a lot of
time
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on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
movies
Use synonyms
 that they can acquire bad
words
Use synonyms
. But
this
Linking Words
 can be solved if they are watching these
movies
Use synonyms
 with their
parents
Use synonyms
 to teach them how to
use
Use synonyms
 these
words
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 to not hurt anyone. Personally, I think the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 can outweigh its disadvantages.

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task response
Give a wider answer. Talk about more than one good point and more than one bad point, such as learning, sleep, health, play, and time with family. Then say clearly why one side is stronger.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but it needs more full support. Explain why learning about animals is a big enough good point to be stronger than the bad effects of much TV time.
task response
Use examples that fit the question more closely. The example about animal shows is useful. You could also give an example of a child watching a short nature show with a parent, then going outside to play.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are repeated, especially watching TV in free time and learning bad words. Say each point once, then add a new reason or example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words more carefully: First, Also, However, For example, As a result, and In the end. Do not start a new idea with “While” when it does not join two full ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph shorter and clearer. State your view again, give the main reason, and say that parents can limit and guide TV time.
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear view that the good side is stronger.
task response
You give a real and clear example of nature shows teaching children how to care for animals.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, a paragraph for each side, and a final ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of your ideas.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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