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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
These days, technology is more and more used to follow what individuals are saying or doing.
This
Linking Words
 can have an advantage for
police
Correct article usage
the police
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 to catch
criminals
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.
While
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 there is a
disadvantage
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 on public to see things without
permission
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. But
,
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apply
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 I think the advantage can outweigh the
disadvantage
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 of
this
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 technology.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some companies can display
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contents
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content
show examples
 to users without
permission
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.
To begin
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 with, Meta's application includes Facebook
follow
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following
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people
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 activities on their application.
This
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 can happen to know what they are interested
on
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in
show examples
 from products or anything else to display to them.
This
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 is
also
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 by listening to their calls or their
searching
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search
 history.
Whereas
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,
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apply
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 some
people
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 cannot know
this
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. So, if they were bothered
from
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by
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 something and talking to a friend about it, these applications would display it to them more.
As a result
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, social media
is that
Verb problem
allows
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people
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chose
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to choose
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 what they can see or
follow
Punctuation problem
follow,
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 it end up show them
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contents
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content
show examples
 without
permission
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. To consider that these
contents
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 can bother them.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
criminals
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 can be caught easily by governments now with
this
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 technology. In the past,
criminals
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 were fleeing and hiding from
police
Correct article usage
the police
show examples
.
Then
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 officers could make a lot of
efforts
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effort
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 to find them.
While
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 nowadays
this
Linking Words
 can be easy when governments can have access
from
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to
show examples
 mobile and technological companies. So, they would monitor those
criminals
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' relatives' phones to listen to them if those relatives had any calls or information about those
criminals
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.
As a result
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, if one of them had a call secretly, police officers would have the location of those
criminals
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rightaway
Correct your spelling
right away
.
This
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 way can be
effective
Rephrase
more effective
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 and
facter
Correct your spelling
faster
 than before to catch
criminals
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 can benefit governments to catch
criminals
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 faster than before
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 monitoring their
relatives's
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relatives'
show examples
 phones. But, there is a drawback that
people
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 can see
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contents
Correct article usage
the contents
show examples
 without
permission
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.
This
Linking Words
disadvantage
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 can be solved by asking users. So, I think the advantage can outweigh the
disadvantage
Use synonyms
.

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Task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say why the good side is greater than the bad side, and keep this same view in all parts.
Task response
Develop both main ideas more. Explain how watching people can help stop crime, but also why it can hurt private life and freedom.
Task response
Use more than one clear example. The example about phone calls and ads is useful, but explain it in a more direct way.
Task response
Be careful with the last idea. Asking users may help with ads, but it does not fully solve the problem of police or governments watching phones.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make each paragraph focus on one main point.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words clearly: 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use 'while' when it makes the meaning hard to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the order of ideas smoother. In the first body part, start with private life, then explain how apps use data, then give the ad example.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your point.
Task response
You answer the question and clearly say that the good side is greater than the bad side.
Task response
You give relevant ideas about crime, phone data, ads, and private life.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses clear paragraph breaks for the two sides of the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to your main view and gives a short reason for it.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • invasion of privacy
  • security
  • monitoring systems
  • misuse
  • criminal activities
  • productivity
  • psychological impact
  • data protection
  • workplace policies
What to do next:
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