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Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people believe that modern games do not develop skill in children.However traditional games developed skills in childhood.To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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Introduction
There are different
prospectives
Use the right word
perspectives
show examples
 on how
games
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affected
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 skills,
while
Linking Words
 some believe traditional
games
Use synonyms
 help in skill
development
Use synonyms
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
not
Correct word choice
but not
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern
games
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. I do believe that traditional
games
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 are beneficial for both physical and mental
development
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.
Body paragraph 1
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 modern
games
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 help to know more about technology and provide technical growth
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is important in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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 world. But, it does limit physical movement and social connection within
children
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leading
Punctuation problem
, leading
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 to obesity and its related
disease
Check wording
diseases
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. Most importantly,
children
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 fail to develop social connection which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 crucial for adulthood or daily living as a part of
social
Correct article usage
a social
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 animal.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
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 playing PUBG may have technical skills but lack
social
Correct article usage
a social
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 circle ,as they are more involved in it.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, traditional
games
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 unite
children
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 directly help in social bonding and
also
Linking Words
 traditional
games
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 are more involved in physical activities
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is really important for better health outcomes. For
examples
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example
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, cricket
,
Correct word choice
and
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 football
involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
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 teams of 11-12 playing
together with
Linking Words
 a lot of physical activities, and other
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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 like chess game which help a lot in intellectual
development
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. So, traditional
games
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more beneficial for skill
development
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 in
comparision
Correct your spelling
comparison
 to modern
games
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in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 my
prospective
Use the right word
perspective
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, modern
games
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 may be beneficial
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in connection to today's world
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 traditional
games
Use synonyms
 help to develop both physical, social and intellectual
development
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say if you agree fully or only in part. Your essay says old games are better, but it also says new games can help, so your main view should be more exact.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how new games can build skills such as fast thinking, problem solving, or working with others online. Then explain why old games may still be better for body health and face-to-face skills.
task response
Use more exact examples. PUBG is useful, but explain what skill it may build and why too much time on it may cause problems. For cricket, football, and chess, show clearly how each game builds a skill.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, new games, old games, and conclusion. This plan is already there, but each paragraph needs a clearer first sentence that states its main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. Avoid starting many sentences with "But" or "While". Use clear links such as "However", "In addition", "For this reason", and "As a result".
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one idea. In the new-games paragraph, first discuss useful skills, then discuss limits. This will make the reader follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and sentence shape, as these can make your meaning less clear. For example, write "games affect children's skills", "in the modern world", "social connections", and "traditional games are more beneficial".
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view. You also use examples of online games, team sports, and chess.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The conclusion returns to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to see: new games first, then old games. This gives the essay a clear overall flow.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical coordination
  • Strategy formulation
  • Preserving heritage
  • Technological proficiency
  • Screen time
  • Inclusivity
  • Social interaction
  • Creative improvisation
  • Complex narratives
  • Moral reasoning
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