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Band 5

An increasing number of people are choosing to follow a vegetarian or vegan diet. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
trend
Correct article usage
the trend
show examples
 of adopting a vegan
diet
Use synonyms
 has gradually gained popularity all around the world.
Linking Words
while
Capitalize the word
While
show examples
 being vegetarian has numerous health advantages, it can bring higher costs and limited choices for the users.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, meat and animal-based products play a crucial role in many health problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as stroke and cardiac arrest.
Then
Linking Words
after
Punctuation problem
, after
show examples
 a long-term consumption of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high-cholesterol meat
vessels
Punctuation problem
, vessels
show examples
 accumulate fats and plaques on their walls. When vessels’ wall gets thickened
due to
Linking Words
 plaque build-up, blood movement will be difficult through
narrowed
Correct article usage
the narrowed
show examples
 pathways and get
stocked
Use the right word
blocked
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 process can cause blood clot formation in
brain
Correct article usage
the brain
show examples
 and heart
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can cause their failure. So, people decide to follow a vegetarian
diet
Use synonyms
 and
consuming
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
 more
fruit
Fix the agreement mistake
fruits
show examples
 and
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 to keep their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 healthier and reduce the risk of chronic diseases.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, plant-based products are most of the time
so
Rephrase
very
show examples
 expensive. People who intake vegetable
food
Use synonyms
 should maintain a balanced
diet
Use synonyms
 that covers all
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the
food
Use synonyms
pyramids
Fix the agreement mistake
pyramid
show examples
. For preparing a well-rounded
diet
Use synonyms
, consumers should purchase a wide range of veggie products
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can cause much more expenses for them
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the month.
Moreover
Linking Words
, limited choices of
food
Use synonyms
 and restaurant is another serious problem that vegetarian are faced. They have a lot of dietary restrictions
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
handling
Verb problem
can make handling
show examples
 them in trips and dining out
can be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
frustrating.
Consequently
Linking Words
, vegetarians may not enjoy as much as others when they cannot prepare their
food
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 being a vegetarian can protect people from some serious health conditions, handling a lot of problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as raising
Use synonyms
food's expenses and limited
Correct word order
food expenses and limited food options, is
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 options are unavoidable.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give good points and bad points. To make your ideas stronger, explain each point in a more exact way. For example, say why a vegan diet may cost more, such as the price of nuts, plant milk, or special foods.
task response
Be careful with very strong health claims. Do not say that meat causes stroke or heart failure by itself. Say that eating too much red or processed meat may raise the risk of some health problems. This is more fair and clear.
task response
Add one clear example for each main point. A short example about a person buying beans, fruit, and plant milk, or finding few vegan meals on a trip, would make the essay more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan is clear: an opening, one paragraph for good points, one for bad points, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main idea more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. For example, replace "Then after" with "After", and use clear links such as "This can lead to...", "For this reason...", and "As a result...".
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same word for the group you mean. Use either "vegetarians" or "people on a plant-based diet". Do not move between "people", "users", and "consumers" when you mean the same group.
coherence and cohesion
Make some long sentences shorter. The health paragraph has many ideas in one chain. Two or three short sentences will be easier to follow and will help the reader see the cause and result.
task response
The essay gives a clear advantage, better health, and two clear disadvantages, higher cost and fewer food choices. These points fit the question well.
task response
The food and travel points are useful and easy to understand. They show how this trend can affect daily life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, middle, and end. The conclusion returns to both the good and bad sides.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as "On the one hand", "Moreover", "Consequently", and "In conclusion". This helps the reader follow your main direction.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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