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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A lot of people who wanted to become professional athletes gave up this idea because of the fear of failure and parents’ pressure. Do you think that parents should support their children who want to do a career in sports?

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Introduction
While
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 some
parents
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 remain worried about the risks and instability of a
sports
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career
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, others believe that
children
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 should be fully supported in pursuing their athletic passions. In my opinion, families should strongly support their
children
Use synonyms
 who aspire to become professional athletes,
while
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 simultaneously ensuring they maintain a balanced focus on their education for future security.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
children
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 have several talents, and nowadays it is extremely hard to find their passion. Pursuing athletes as a
career
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at
Change preposition
in athletics at
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 an early age requires that they stay motivated and supported by
parents
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,
also
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 banning the idea of failure. Numerous famous professional
sports
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 stars, taking football
for
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example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 as a
career
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, at the same time earn millions of dollars,
such
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 as Messi and the most popular football player - the GOAT (his nickname) - Cristiano Ronaldo, who started at an early age after his mother's encouragement.
Moreover
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, on the brighter side,
sports
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 are considered a
respectful
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respectable
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 and presentable job if they have any concern, but it needs a lot of hard work.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the most crucial part is the
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children
Check wording
children's
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 education
fathers
Punctuation problem
. Fathers
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 should follow their learning to be secured for
future
Correct article usage
the future
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, in
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. In
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 early
ages
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ages,
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 people changes opinion quickly
today
Punctuation problem
. Today,
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 they want to be
a pro
Correct word choice
professional
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 athletes
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 tomorrow wants to be
a doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
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!
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for
Capitalize the word
For
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 example ,
so
Correct word choice
apply
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insurance for their future
career
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Linking Words
also
Verb problem
is also
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Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the parents
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parents
Check wording
parents'
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 responsibility to avoid any chance of a possible failure.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, many opportunities
nowadays
Verb problem
are
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 available that a
sports
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job
Check wording
jobs
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 as well
, childs
Punctuation problem
. Child
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 opposition is a real
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
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 that
parents
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 should
be
Verb problem
apply
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know, and supporting them with good education can make their life successful and secure, so balancing between
sports
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 passion and studying is the best way to help
children
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 achieve their dreams.

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task response
Give a clearer main answer in each body part. Explain why parent support helps a child, and why school is still important if sport does not work out.
task response
Use examples that directly prove your point. Messi and Ronaldo are useful, but explain how their parents' support helped them. Do not focus too much on money or fame.
task response
Avoid saying parents should stop all fear of failure. A better idea is that parents should support the child but also talk honestly about risk, time, health, and other work plans.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph mixes talent, passion, famous players, money, and respect. Choose one or two ideas and explain them fully.
coherence and cohesion
Make your topic sentences more clear. For example: 'Parents should support a child’s sport dream because support can help the child work hard and stay confident.'
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a clear way: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'As a result'. Do not put many different ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and clearer. Repeat your main view: parents should support sport goals, but they should also make sure the child keeps studying.
task response
You give a clear overall view: parents should support sport goals while children continue their education.
task response
You include a real example of well-known football players, which makes the essay more connected to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to show both sides before giving your final view, which is a good way to answer this question.
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