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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
It is the responsibility of an individual to save and provide for their own
retirement
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 I partially agree with the statement. I completely disagree that the
government
Use synonyms
 has no obligation to provide
this
Linking Words
 benefit. Every individual must take their own financial responsibility governments should
also
Linking Words
 contribute to help
people
Use synonyms
 when they are no longer of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working age.
Body paragraph 1
Each individual must take responsibility to save and provide for their own
retirement
Use synonyms
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can help reduce financial dependency in old age. A lot
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 tend to become financially dependent on their family since they are no longer of working age.
This
Linking Words
 can create an added
fianancial
Correct your spelling
financial
 pressure to some families. Saving when you'
re
Use synonyms
 still young and working helps you stay financially independent in times when you'
re
Use synonyms
 not working. Saving and eventually investing can help one build their own financial
safely
Replace the word
safety
 net.
For example
Linking Words
, many old
people
Use synonyms
 in cities like Mumbai invested heavily in real estate in the 90s
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
now
Punctuation problem
now,
show examples
 when they'
re
Use synonyms
older
Punctuation problem
older,
show examples
 those properties yield rent every month. So they saved and built
financial
Correct article usage
a financial
show examples
 safety net for their future.
Hence
Linking Words
, saving for your own
retirement
Use synonyms
 can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
make you financially independent even when you'
re
Use synonyms
 retired.
Body paragraph 2
I completely disagree that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has no obligation to provide
this
Linking Words
 benefit since not every individual is able to save money when they are working. Some
people
Use synonyms
 have to discontinue working
due to
Linking Words
 medical conditions
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can result in one having bills to pay but no income.
This
Linking Words
 is when having
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 provide for basic needs in
retirement
Use synonyms
 is
necessity
Correct article usage
a necessity
show examples
. It is essential for the
government
Use synonyms
 to build
retirement
Use synonyms
 savings to provide for basic necessities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 each
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
. When
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 imposes strict regulations for one to contribute towards their
retirement
Use synonyms
 fund
every
Change preposition
with every
show examples
 pay
cheque
Punctuation problem
cheque,
show examples
 they will be able to better build
retirement
Use synonyms
 funds for every citizen.
For example
Linking Words
,
Canadian
Correct article usage
the Canadian
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 provides EI to every resident when they have lost their job and are not employed.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 can be really beneficial in periods of recession.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, every individual must save up for their own
retirement
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 do have it harder and encounter more unforeseen circumstances
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
results
Correct subject-verb agreement
result
show examples
 in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
retirement
Use synonyms
 saving which is when
government
Use synonyms
 funds can be useful.

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task response
Your view is clear: people should save, but the state should also help. To make it stronger, explain more clearly what kind of help the state should give, such as a basic pension, health care, or help for people who cannot work.
task response
Your second example is not fully about retirement. Job loss pay can help working people for a short time, but it is different from money for old age. Use an example about a state pension or support for older people instead.
task response
Develop the point about people with health problems. Explain how illness can stop a person from saving, and why basic state help can stop poverty in old age.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: your view, one paragraph on personal saving, one on state help, and a short ending. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between some ideas. For example, write: “As a result, families may face more money problems.” Also, start the second main paragraph with a direct link to your view: “However, the state should still give basic support.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or joined without full stops. For example, “Every individual must take their own financial responsibility governments should also contribute...” should be two sentences. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “save and provide for their own retirement” many times. Use simple other forms, such as “plan for old age”, “put money aside”, or “have their own income after work ends.”
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give a balanced view. You clearly say that personal saving matters, while state help is needed for people in hard situations.
task response
The example of older people earning rent from property in Mumbai supports your point that saving and investment can give income in old age.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction states your position, and your ending returns to the same main idea. This gives the essay a clear beginning and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main point, which helps the reader follow your argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement savings
  • financial planning
  • economic circumstances
  • government provision
  • basic state pension
  • financial independence
  • income disparities
  • aging populations
  • social safety net
  • tax burden
  • financial education
  • quality of life
  • personal financial responsibility
  • social inequality
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