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Band 5

some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your oown opinion.

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Introduction
In modern society,
one
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 of the most debated topics is whether
people
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 are more independent.
Body paragraph 1
While
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 some
people
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 argue that many individuals are increasingly dependent on
one
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 another, others believe that they are more independent
due to
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 modern technologies and a
declining
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decline
 in a sense of family responsibility. I believe
people
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 are likely to become more independent compared with the past.
Body paragraph 2
On the
one
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 hand,
one
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 of the reasons why
people
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 are more dependent on each other is considerable unemployment. In recent years, economic inactivity among young generations in their 20s and 30s has become increasingly common
due to
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 structural problems. A growing number of young
people
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 are reluctant to enter the labour market as they face re-employment burnout and several challenges regarding a job mismatch and high recruitment standards.
Besides
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, older
people
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also are
Correct word order
are also
show examples
 vulnerable to
live
Wrong verb form
living
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 in modern society independently, given that health problems,
such
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 as respiratory diseases and heart-related illnesses, become more serious because of environmental degradation.
Furthermore
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, some elderly
people
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 who are diagnosed with dementia need support from family members or public services.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, I believe that
people
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 tend to be more independent than in the past. The key factor behind the trend is the advanced technology. Using digital devices among young
people
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 is less likely to connect with their family members and peers in person, leading to a loss of interpersonal connection and a sense of belonging. A good example of
this
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 is that a large number of teenagers tend to isolate themselves and spend most
time
Correct determiner usage
of their time
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 scrolling social media
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 cut off relationships with family and friends
due to
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 academic pressure and a lack of social interaction.
Besides
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, older
people
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's
death
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deaths
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 alone
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 increasingly common nowadays.
This
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 trend stems from a decline in family responsibility and a loss of moral value
due to
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 individualism.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are undeniable reasons behind two different trends in modern society
,
Punctuation problem
.
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I believe that
people
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 are likely to become more independent and disconnected from
one
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 another
due to
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 individualism, the developing social media and a lack of family obligation.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make the answer stronger, explain more directly how job loss makes people depend on other people. Also, show more clearly why using phones means people are more independent, not only less close.
task response
Some ideas need more care. Young people staying at home or older people living alone can show less family contact, but they do not always show true independence. Add a clear link between each example and the main point.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, say that an older person may need a child to help with food, money, or health care. Then explain how this support shows dependence.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Each main part has one main view, so the reader can follow your answer easily.
coherence and cohesion
Make the order of ideas smoother. In the first main part, begin with young people who need family help, then move to older people who need care. Add short links such as “For this reason” or “Another group is older people.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence. For example, the sentence about young people, job mismatch, and high job rules could be split into two shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words throughout the essay. Use “depend on others” for the first view and “live on their own” for the second view. This will help the two views stay clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and state your own view in the introduction and ending.
task response
Your points about family help for older people and the effect of social media are linked to life in the modern world.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” gives the essay a clear overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a main idea followed by reasons and an example, which helps the reader understand your points.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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