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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work, and communicate with people via the internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, in the modern world, there are a lot of opportunities to shop, work, and communicate with
people
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the
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on the
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 internet and live without face-to-face communication with others. I believe that it is a negative development because it can lead to negative consequences in our lives.
Body paragraph 1
One major drawback is that
people
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 may face social isolation during
this
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 period. When
people
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 spend most of their
time
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 at home and do not communicate with others, it can be tough to build a relationship in real life or get on well with someone. Some
people
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 communicate mainly through screens, and they have fewer opportunities to develop communication skills.
This
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 type of behaviour may lead to
people
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 feeling unsafe and experiencing loneliness.
For example
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, in Japan, they have a type of illness called “Hakkakoki”, which means
people
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 who do not want to spend
time
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 with friends and family
,
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apply
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 prefer to stay at home through screens, and if
young
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the young
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 generations do not stop online communication, they may
also
Linking Words
 face some illnesses.
Body paragraph 2
Another negative consequence is that
this
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 lifestyle may have a negative impact on
people
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’s physical health. If they continue to shop, communicate and work online, they may face health problems
due to
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 a lack of physical activity, as they rarely go outside.
In addition
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, excessive screen
time
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 may be a reason for stress, anxiety, and poor sleep.
For instance
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, there are several
people
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 who have these kinds of problems, and our government finds a solution. They created a special course for girls and boys with a variety of activities to help them develop.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are several consequences to spending most of the
time
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 at home and being alone,
such
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 as physical health issues and facing some challenges
while
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 building a relationship in real life.
However
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, the government need to provide support to these individuals.

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Task response
You give a clear answer: you think this is a negative change. Keep this clear view in every part of the essay.
Task response
Your two main ideas are useful: people can feel alone, and they can have health problems. Explain more fully why online work, shopping, and talk can cause these problems.
Task response
Some examples are too general. For example, say what the course did, how it helped, and why it shows your point. Use one clear example rather than a broad claim.
Task response
Be careful with the Japan example. The name is not clear, and it is called an illness without enough support. You can instead say that some people may stay at home for a long time and feel cut off from others.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good basic plan: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence shorter and more direct. For example: “I believe this is a negative development because it can harm both social life and health.”
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “In addition”. Do not repeat “negative” too often; use “harmful” or “bad” when needed.
Coherence and cohesion
The last sentence adds a new idea about government help. Put this idea in a main part with an example, or remove it from the ending. The ending should mainly restate your two main points.
Coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form in places where the meaning is not complete. For example, write “communicate with people on the internet” and “the government needs to find a solution.”
Task response
You answer the full question and clearly choose one side.
Task response
The essay uses two different reasons, so the answer is not based on only one idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main part starts with a clear main point.
Coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main ideas about social life and physical health.
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