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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Although
Linking Words
 some people argued that women ought to stay
home
Use synonyms
 and take care of their kids, there are
numerous
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 number of individuals
suggest
Correct pronoun usage
who suggest
show examples
 that they should
also
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 for the family. Both points will be examined in
this
Linking Words
 essay
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
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, I do support the fact that women should stay
home
Use synonyms
 rather than go to
work
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, I believe there are several reasons why women should
also
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 beside their
Use synonyms
husband
Fix the agreement mistake
husbands
show examples
. Since
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the more workers mean the more income
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 for that reason, I believe that there will be slightly better or
way
Rephrase
much
show examples
 better
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
financial independence for the family.
Furthermore
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, the family will have more emergency reserve money , in case
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
one
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 of the member got accident; having more
saving
Replace the word
savings
 at that moment
probably
Verb problem
is probably
show examples
 the most gloomy day of a
parents'
Check wording
parent's
show examples
 life.
Consquently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
having more money makers inside the family
maybe
Verb problem
may
show examples
 reduce the risk of
incident
Check wording
incidents
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 that will happen in the future.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the
husband
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 working alone
also
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some benefits for the family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
. Working hard for both the
husband
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 and the wife could lead to depression
due to
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 the built-up
stressed
Replace the word
stress
; what I am trying to say is, they must strike a balance between working and relaxing to
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 their healthy life in the future. For these reasons, I suggest that
one
Use synonyms
 should stay
home
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,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 in
this
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 case,
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the wife
;
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
husband
Use synonyms
 coming
home
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 from
work
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 very tired sees his wife already
cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
show examples
 a dinner for him and his children fulfills his heart more than anything
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that will make
this
Linking Words
 day brighter than ever,I
supposed
Wrong verb form
suppose
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.
Moreover
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, the mother will
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 much time to spend with their kids.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, talking in case that the woman has a child,
although
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 parents both working probably have a lot of benefits for the family in terms of financial, they should not forget that life is nothing without joy or happiness;
one
Use synonyms
 worker and
one
Use synonyms
 caretaker definitely bring happiness for the family members more than anything.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the question. However, your main view is too strong: you say women should stay at home, but you do not fully show why this choice is best for all families.
task response
Make your ideas more fair and clear. For example, say that some mothers may choose to stay at home when children are very young, while other women may work if this is good for the family.
task response
Give one clear, real-life example for each side. For work, explain how a second pay can help with rent, food, school, or health care. For staying at home, explain how more time with young children can help their care and daily life.
task response
Some points are not fully explained. The idea that two parents working will lead to stress needs more detail. Parents can also share child care, work fewer hours, or get help from family.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with one direct main idea. Then explain it and give an example. Do not move too fast from money to accidents to sadness, as this makes the first main part less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “Since” should not begin a full new sentence here. Also, use “As a result” only when the next idea truly follows from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences. For example, split the sentence about the husband coming home into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning much easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same people. Use “parents,” “mother,” “father,” “wife,” and “husband” only when you need to be exact. This will make the ideas flow better.
task response
You clearly state your own view in the opening and repeat it in the ending.
task response
You include useful ideas about family income, savings, time with children, and family happiness.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “To conclude” helps show the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part focuses on one side of the discussion, which gives the essay a clear plan.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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