IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest these funds in tourism. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Most
at
Change preposition
of the time
show examples
times
Punctuation problem
times,
show examples
 the government is the major source of assistance to their locality or
country
Use synonyms
. Education and
health
Use synonyms
 are the
moat
Correct your spelling
most
 fundamental
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 the authority should consider first.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it is
been
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
discussed about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
using
fund
Check wording
funds
show examples
 to invest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
by
Punctuation problem
, by
show examples
 the way. I strongly disagree on funding
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
 as
health
Use synonyms
 and education
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 mostly the first choice to be considered.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
eduacation
Correct your spelling
education
 and fitness
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 primary to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
country
Use synonyms
 is well developed with people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have
schooled
Wrong verb form
been educated
show examples
, whereby knowledge is provided and
also
Linking Words
 without
Use synonyms
health
Punctuation problem
health,
show examples
 we would not be effective.
Thus
Linking Words
, the nation will not advance with clueless individuals and ill
personels
Check wording
personnel
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the development of cities is mainly because of educated engineers that schooled, and the increase in productivity is mainly
due to
Linking Words
 healthy individuals
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 boost the economy of the
country
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
, we
Check wording
hand, we
show examples
 can
also
Linking Words
 see that
tourism
Use synonyms
 is beneficial.
This
Linking Words
 is , as it brings foreign individuals to visit the state, through
their
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 we gain relevant income
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, increasing the economy of the
country
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is helpful for the nation.
For example
Linking Words
, there are countries whose
anual
Correct your spelling
annual
 income mostly comes
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it is not the major possibility
a
Correct word choice
that a
show examples
state can get
it
Correct determiner usage
its
show examples
 income as
this
Linking Words
 only
exist
Correct subject-verb agreement
exists
show examples
 for a minority of souvereignties.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly disagree because
tourism
Use synonyms
 is not the only
the only
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
way you can raise fund as
rarely
Correct determiner usage
few
show examples
 countries use
this
Linking Words
 methodology.
However
Linking Words
, spending
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 and
well-beeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
 of people
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
 the development, economy and productivity of the nation
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 has a greater influence than
tourism
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view clearer in the first part. Say that you disagree because health and education are basic needs, while tourism is helpful but less important.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. Show how money for schools can give people skills, and how money for health can help people work and live well.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and real. For example, say that more schools can train doctors, teachers, and engineers. Then explain why this helps the country.
task response
The point about tourism is good, but answer it more strongly. Explain that tourism income may fall when people do not travel, so it should not come before health and education.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each part state the main idea more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For this reason', and 'In conclusion'. Do not begin too many sentences with 'This is because'.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence is easy to follow. Some sentences are very long or have unclear words, such as 'through their we gain relevant income'. Write shorter sentences with one clear idea.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea in the end. State your view once, then give the two main reasons again: people need health and education, and tourism is not always a safe source of money.
task response
You give a clear view that health and education should come first.
task response
You include both sides: the value of tourism and the need for health and education.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a useful four-part shape: start, first view, other view, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Examples about engineers, healthy workers, and money from tourism help show your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Investment: capital allocation towards a sector, often for development or improvement.
  • Long-term economic growth: sustainable increase in a country’s economic productivity over an extended period.
  • Knowledgeable workforce: employees who are well-educated and trained, capable of driving innovation.
  • Healthcare services: medical services, including prevention, treatment, and management of illnesses.
  • Economic sustainability: responsible management of resources to ensure long-term economic health.
  • Tourism: industry focusing on travel for leisure, which contributes to a nation's economic revenue.
  • External factors: variables outside of a country's control that can impact its economy or sectors.
  • Foundation: the base or groundwork upon which further development can be built.
  • Societal welfare: the well-being of a community in terms of health, education, and economic conditions.
  • Social equity: fairness and equality in access to opportunities and resources within a society.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: