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Writing Samples
Band 3

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

3.0 / 9
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Introduction
Students
outgh
Correct your spelling
ought
 to learn how to have well manner in school
in addition
Linking Words
 to their formal subjects. I do not agree with
this
Linking Words
 argument because
parents
Use synonyms
 must
also
Linking Words
responsible
Verb problem
be responsible
show examples
 for
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 development and government regulations will play a
povital
Correct your spelling
vital
 role as well.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the reasons comprehensively.
Body paragraph 1
In my view,
children
Use synonyms
 mostly spend their time at home with
Use synonyms
parents
Correct determiner usage
their parents
show examples
 since they were born.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 allocate substantial financial resources to their
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 education in school, they must
also
Linking Words
 support
adolescents
Check wording
adolescents'
show examples
 development
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
really
Verb problem
is really
show examples
 necessary to shape their future
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, excessive screen time at home will negatively affect their way of thinking.
Parents
Use synonyms
 must be aware
and
Change preposition
of and
show examples
 control the screen time to allow
children
Use synonyms
have
Verb problem
to have
show examples
 valuable
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 measures remain necessary to protect vulnerable kids from negative impacts.
Body paragraph 3
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 actions above should be supported by strict government regulation. Media and many content creators remain reluctant to provide polite digital
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
 because these practices significantly
diminishes
Correct subject-verb agreement
diminish
show examples
 their potential viewers. Implementing reward and punishment by authority can alleviance bad influence of digital social media, which is a pressing issue lately, because it facilitates better
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
 provided by the
youtuber
Capitalize the proper name
YouTuber
show examples
 or netizen.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some argue with
schools
Check wording
schools'
show examples
 responsibility for ensuring
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, I firmly believe that
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 involvement and government intervention
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 compulsory
due to
Linking Words
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 proven impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 interpersonal development.

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Task response
Make your view more exact. You say you do not agree, but your essay mainly says that parents and the government also have a role. Say clearly if schools should have no role, a small role, or an equal role.
Task response
Answer the main idea about schools more fully. Explain what schools can do, such as teach respect, rules, and how to work with others. Then explain why parents and the government may have a bigger role.
Task response
Develop each main point with a clear link to good behavior. For example, show how limits on screen time can help children learn polite and safe behavior.
Task response
Use examples that are more direct and real. The screen-time example is useful, but the point about online content needs a clearer example of how it changes children’s behavior.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, parents, government, and conclusion. Start each body paragraph with one main idea and keep all the following lines on that idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Connect your ideas more clearly. Use simple links such as “First”, “For example”, “Because of this”, and “However”. Make sure each link shows the right relation between the two ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Improve the first body paragraph. The first sentence says children spend most time at home, but the next paragraph begins with money for school. Add a sentence to explain why time at home matters more for behavior.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear lines such as “parents actions above” because there are no clear actions above it. Name the action again, for example: “Parents should limit screen time.”
Task response
You give a clear main view that parents and the government have important roles in children’s behavior.
Task response
You include two relevant ideas: home life and online media. These are useful areas for this topic.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape of your answer.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example”, “Furthermore”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • good behavior
  • character development
  • values
  • respect
  • kindness
  • interpersonal skills
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • curriculum
  • social and emotional learning (SEL)
  • parental guidance
  • consistent environment
  • academic performance
  • engagement
  • collaboration
  • social cohesion
  • positive reinforcement
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