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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Fossil fuels (e.g. coals, oil, and gas) are the main source of energy for most countries. However, alternative sources of energy (e.g. wind and solar power) have been encouraged for use by some countries. To what extent is this positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Petroleum substances
such
Linking Words
 as gas, coals and oil are the main
source
Use synonyms
 of
power
Use synonyms
 in most
countriea
Correct your spelling
countries
,
wheras
Correct your spelling
whereas
wind
Use synonyms
 and solar
energy
Use synonyms
 are alternative
Use synonyms
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of
power
Use synonyms
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 used by some countries. From my point of view, the petroleum
source
Use synonyms
 of
power
Use synonyms
 advantages
are outwight
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the advantages of alternative
Use synonyms
source
Check wording
sources
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the one hand, petroleum substances
such
Linking Words
 as oil
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
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 renewability and sustainability. Countries could plan, build and
maintaine
Correct your spelling
maintain
 strong foundations for various fields by evolving
coals
Check wording
coal
show examples
, oil and gas. These subatnaces are
also
Linking Words
 have various applications not only
through
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 industry sector but
also
Linking Words
 extend to health, food, education and
mediecene
Correct your spelling
medicine
 sectors.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
governmnets
Correct your spelling
governments
 could advance almost all categories of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 economy by adopting fossil fuels.
Body paragraph 2
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, the advantages of secondary
Use synonyms
source
Check wording
sources
show examples
 of
energy
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
wind
Use synonyms
, solar and
water
Punctuation problem
water,
show examples
 are quite limited.
For example
Linking Words
,
wind
Use synonyms
power
Use synonyms
 produces
force
Add an article
a force
show examples
 that
appropriate
Verb problem
is appropriate
show examples
 for particular purposes. Sectors
such
Linking Words
 as health, food, education and medicience have no
benfit
Correct your spelling
benefit
 from
this
Linking Words
source
Use synonyms
 of
energy
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, the economy of governments
establisehed
Correct your spelling
established
 based on these types of
energy
Use synonyms
 will
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 low progress in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 development.
Body paragraph 3
In conclusion, fossil fuels
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
 the
dvelopments
Check wording
development
show examples
 of governments in terms of infrastructure, health, education and food.
However
Linking Words
, governments support the applications of solar,
wind
Use synonyms
 and water, which not only consume time and efforts, but
also
Linking Words
 decrease development factors of their
society
Check wording
society's
show examples
 essentials.
Conclusion
.

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task response
State your view more clearly. The task asks if the move to wind and solar power is positive or negative. Your first line says fossil fuel has more good points, but your last line says solar and wind lower growth. Say directly that you think this is a negative change, then keep this same view in all parts.
task response
Explain why fossil fuel is better with clear, true ideas. Do not say oil, coal, and gas are renewable or can last for ever. They are limited and can run out. You could say they give steady power now, but they also harm the air and climate.
task response
Develop each main point. For wind and solar, explain that power can change with the weather, and that some places need other power when there is no wind or sun. Then also deal with the good side: they make less dirty air and can help in the long term.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, a country can use solar power in hot, sunny areas, while gas power may be used at night or when demand is high. Avoid saying that health, food, and schools get no help from wind power, as all need power.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. However, the body parts need clearer topic lines. Begin each one with the main idea, then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use the correct links: say “On the one hand” and “On the other hand”, not “In the one hand” and “In the other hand”. Also use simple links such as “First”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result” to show how ideas connect.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the key ideas. Use “fossil fuels” for coal, oil, and gas, and use “renewable energy” for wind and solar. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence clear and complete. There are many word and spelling mistakes, such as “countriea”, “wheras”, and “outwight”. Check spelling, word forms, and subject–verb use before you finish.
task response
You give a clear opinion and try to support it with two main sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a useful four-part plan: an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “Therefore”, “Thus”, and “However”, to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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