IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many countries are experiencing population growth, and need to build more homes. Some say that new homes should constructed in existing cities while others argues that new towns should be built to accommodate the growing population. What are the advantages and disadvantages of these point of view

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, many countries are experiencing population growth, with a growing
demanding
Replace the word
demand
 for more
homes
Use synonyms
. In terms of
this
Linking Words
 topic, some argue that new
homes
Use synonyms
 should be constructed in existing
cities
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that new towns should be built to cater to
this
Linking Words
 need. But in my opinion, new
homes
Use synonyms
 should be constructed in existing
cities
Use synonyms
,
instead
Linking Words
 of
expliting
Correct your spelling
exploiting
 natural areas for more
contructing
Correct your spelling
construction
 space.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, creating more
homes
Use synonyms
 in the existing
cities
Use synonyms
 contributes much to sustainable
development
Use synonyms
. With more forests outside downtown, more carbon dioxide can be taken in, more natural disasters can be prevented by the forests
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 comfortable temperature can be created, which contributes much to the living quality of people who live in urban
cities
Use synonyms
. What's more,
contructing
Correct your spelling
constructing
new
homes
Use synonyms
 in the existing
cities
Use synonyms
 means that more high-end
technologies
Use synonyms
 should be applied to the construction
progress
Use the right word
process
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
reversely
Rephrase
, in turn,
show examples
 has
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 positive impact on fostering the invention of new construction
technologies
Use synonyms
.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, building new
homes
Use synonyms
 over
existed
Replace the word
existing
cities
Use synonyms
 helps governments save hundreds and millions of
money
Check wording
dollars
show examples
 by no needs of expliting a wholly new natural area.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other critics may feel concerned
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether the technology
development
Use synonyms
 can catch the speed of population growth. But I think that it is not a problem. In
1990s
Add an article
the 1990s
show examples
, with the growth of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
, the technology of constructing high buildings rapidly
got
Verb problem
gained
show examples
 much attention and
development
Use synonyms
 and became more applicable. In today's world, human beings are faced with the same problem.
Technologies
Use synonyms
 are forced out by
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world's need
instead
Linking Words
 of wild imagination only, so I believe that more advanced
constructing
Replace the word
construction
technologies
Use synonyms
 will appear in the future
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we do not need to worry about that.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my perspective is that requirements for more
homes
Use synonyms
 will foster new inventions, and new inventions will solve
house problem
Check wording
housing problems
show examples
 in existing
cities
Use synonyms
 and meet the goals for sustainable
development
Use synonyms
. Without a sustainable world, human beings will not exist in the future, and discussions on how to
constructing
Wrong verb form
construct
show examples
 more new
homes
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 meaningless.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. You explain why homes in cities are good, but you do not fully explain the good and bad sides of building new towns.
task response
Add clear points for new towns, such as more land, less crowding, and the chance to plan roads, schools, and parks from the start. Then explain problems, such as high cost and loss of farm or forest land.
task response
Make your own view clear, but do not let it take most of the essay. The question asks about the good and bad points of both ideas.
task response
Use examples that directly show your point. The example about tall buildings in the 1990s is useful, but explain how it proves that city homes can meet the need today.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. However, the second body part mainly answers one worry about your own view, rather than giving the other side a full discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: first, advantages and disadvantages of more homes in cities; second, advantages and disadvantages of new towns; last, your view. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then give two or three reasons and one short example. Avoid putting too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Phrases such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” should introduce two full sides of the topic, not one side and one small concern.
task response
You give a clear personal view: protecting natural land is important, and more homes in cities can support this aim.
task response
You include useful ideas about forests, money, and new building methods. These ideas are related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly introduces the two choices and states your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main idea about a safe and lasting future, so the essay has a clear final message.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: