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Band 3.5

Many people work for long hours, leaving them very little time for leisure. Does this situation have more advantages or disadvantages?

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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 long
hours
Use synonyms
, leaving them with little time
leisure
Change preposition
for leisure
show examples
 activities
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 I believe
this
Linking Words
 situation has more disadvantages than advantages.
Body paragraph 1
A significant advantage is that
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 long
hours
Use synonyms
 may get a high salary to improve their quality of life.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 for long
hours
Use synonyms
 may earn a high salary, allowing them to achieve financial freedom.
In addition
Linking Words
, after five years, they can accumulate assets and achieve financial freedom.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they have a lot of time to do things they could not do before.
Body paragraph 2
Nowadays, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 long
hours
Use synonyms
. Because
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 all the time will become burned out, they
also
Linking Words
 have low productivity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they feel stressed all day.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 on weekends without any rest.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they may make costly mistakes.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that working long
hours
Use synonyms
 has more disadvantages than advantages because it can cause stress and affect
people
Use synonyms
's quality of life.

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task response
State your main view more fully in the first part: long work hours may bring more money, but the harm to health, family time, and work quality is greater.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, explain how less rest can cause stress, poor sleep, and mistakes at work.
task response
Your first example repeats the idea of a high salary and financial freedom. Add a real or clear example instead, such as a worker who misses family meals or becomes too tired to work well.
task response
Make sure the advantage is realistic. Long hours do not always lead to high pay or more free time after five years.
coherence and cohesion
Use one body part for advantages and one body part for disadvantages. Start each with a clear main sentence, then add an explanation and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Join ideas more smoothly. The sentence starting with “Because” does not form a full sentence. Write: “People who work all the time may become burned out. As a result, they may have low productivity and feel stressed.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words and ideas, especially “work long hours,” “high salary,” and “financial freedom.” Use simple changes such as “this work pattern,” “more pay,” and “money security.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when the next idea truly follows. In the first body part, “Consequently” is not clear because having more money does not mean people will have a lot of free time.
task response
You give a clear opinion that the bad sides are greater than the good sides, and you discuss both sides of the question.
task response
You include useful points about money, stress, low work quality, and mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, two main body parts, and a closing statement.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example,” “In addition,” and “In conclusion.”
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • long working hours
  • a demanding workload
  • higher income
  • improve one’s standard of living
  • career advancement
  • gain valuable experience
  • work-related stress
  • mental well-being
  • physical exhaustion
  • burnout
  • work-life balance
  • quality time with family
  • neglect personal relationships
  • health consequences
  • reduced productivity
  • make costly mistakes
  • flexible working arrangements
  • reasonable working hours
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