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Band 5

Some people believe that the working week should be shorter and the weekend should be longer, while others argue that this could harm productivity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with reducing the number of working days?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that working hours have a significant impact on
people
Use synonyms
's lives.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that the working week should be shorter and the weekend should be longer, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that reducing the number of working days would be beneficial for
employees
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, a shorter working week allows
people
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 to spend more
time
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 with their families.
In other words
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,
employees
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 who work fewer days have more opportunities to communicate with their loved ones and strengthen their relationships.
In addition
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, spending quality
time
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 with family can improve
people
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's happiness and reduce stress.
For example
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, parents can use their additional day off to spend
time
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 with their children or visit their relatives.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that a longer weekend can improve
employees
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' mental health. It is
also
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 possible to say that having more
time
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 to rest can reduce stress and anxiety.
Moreover
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, well-rested
employees
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 may be more focused and productive when they return to work.
For instance
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, workers can spend their extra free
time
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 exercising, relaxing, or doing activities they enjoy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that reducing the number of working days and having a longer weekend can improve
people
Use synonyms
's family lives and mental health.

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task response
Make your view more direct in the first part. Say clearly that you agree, and explain how far you agree.
task response
Add one point about the other side: a shorter week may cause less work to be done in some jobs. Then explain why you still think the good points are greater.
task response
Develop each main point more. For example, explain how less stress can lead to better work, not only better health.
task response
Your examples fit the ideas, but they are quite general. Give one clear work case, such as a worker who returns after three days off with more energy and makes fewer mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between a longer weekend and work output clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of simple links. For example: 'As a result', 'However', 'For this reason', and 'This means that'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid starting many lines with similar link words. Some phrases, such as 'In other words' and 'It is also possible to say', can be removed to make your writing more direct.
coherence and cohesion
In the final part, restate your view and also mention work output. This will make the ending match the full question more closely.
task response
You give a clear view that fewer working days can help workers.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: more family time and better mental health.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are in a clear order, with one main idea in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are both present, and the ending returns to your main view.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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