IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many places large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development? Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that the kind of shops present in the malls is a crucial subject
to
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for
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 the public.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that large shops are better than the small ones, there is
also
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 an argument that stand aganist it.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On
one
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the one
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 hand, large chains are known for having diversity.
In other words
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, many products from all around the world will be in front of you, and easy to access.
In addition
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, it provides the local community escpecially the younger ones , with many jobs oppotinuty.
For example
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, one department could need from four to six employees to run the shop,
whereas
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 the local shope one to two staff members is more than enough.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 would cause damage to the tiny shops. It is
also
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 possible to say that plenty of these start-up owners would feel unhappy and unsupported.
Moreover
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, a lot will have to give up on their family business because of the low profit ratio in their sales.
For instance
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, farmers would need to sell their farms to cover the losses they have
.
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incurred.
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Conclusion
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that a bigger brand is the best. Because they not only offer a variety of items, but
also
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cheaper
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are cheaper
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 in price, with a trustworthy quality.
Also
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, many could benefit from the job offers and the high salaries. Eventually , providing a better life for their families.

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task response
You answer both parts by giving good and bad points. However, some ideas need more clear detail. Explain why malls give lower prices, and explain more clearly how small shops may lose money.
task response
Your view is clear in the last part, but it comes very late. State your main view in the first part too, then keep the same view in the rest of the essay.
task response
Some examples are not fully convincing. The farm example does not clearly link to small shops and malls. Use an example of a local food shop, book shop, or family store instead.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, good points, bad points, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea, then add an explanation and one example. In the first body part, focus only on choice and jobs. In the next, focus only on harm to small shops.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “For example”, “In addition”, and “On the other hand” are helpful, but make sure the next sentence directly supports the idea before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short sentence parts at the end, such as “Eventually, providing a better life for their families.” Join this to the sentence before it so the meaning is complete.
task response
You include both advantages and disadvantages, and you give your own view.
task response
The points about more choice, jobs, and pressure on family stores are relevant to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The four-part essay shape is clear, with an opening, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use several useful linking phrases to show contrast and add ideas.
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