IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government and Big companies should work together to reverse environment damage, rather than making individuals responsible for that. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
Environmental damage is one of the most faced problem in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. It is
been
Wrong verb form
apply
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argued that
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Government and big companies should combine together
Correct word order
the government and big companies should combine
show examples
 to reverse
this
Linking Words
 challenge. In my own perception, I partially agree, as institutions and authorities will have the
fund
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funds
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 to do that,
while
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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individuals
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 must take
responsibilities
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responsibility
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 for the
environment
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 to
evoluate
Correct your spelling
evolve
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
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Government
Correct article usage
the government
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 and structures have the resources to eradicate
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 troubles. The availability of funds will permit the local governments or big enterprises to
recrute
Correct your spelling
recruit
individuals
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 who can take care of the
environment
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 by taking off the waste
will
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, which will
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 reduce the pollution rate.
Therefore
Linking Words
, reducing the number of
illness
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illnesses
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due to
Linking Words
 pollution.
For example
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, the Yaounde
government
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 council and Hysacam
coorperate
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cooperate
 has
recruted
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recruited
 many
indivuduals
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individuals
 in order to keep the town in good shape.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe it is the responsibility of
individuals
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.
This
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 is mainly because you can not
leave
Verb problem
live
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 in a
damage
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damaged
 area if you are
reponsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
, the state or companies will not mostly come and keep your
environment
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 neat at your place , so measures should be taken by yourself.
Consequently
Linking Words
, reducing the amount of waste since each and every one is responsible for
it
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their
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environment
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, European countries have more responsible people than in
African
Replace the word
Africa
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 the environmental damage is less there than in Africa
Conclusion
In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 even though big companies and
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government
Add an article
the government
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working
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work
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 together
can
Wrong verb form
to
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 recruit workers who will
remove
Verb problem
reduce
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 the amount of waste products in the
environment
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,
but
Correct word order
it is also
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also
Linking Words
 it is the responsibility of
individuals
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 to take care of the
environment
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Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 well as they are inhabitants
to
Change preposition
of
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 their
environment
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. So we need an association of these two in order to have a clean
environment
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You say you partly agree, but you need to explain how much work the government, big firms, and people should each do.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, explain that the government can make laws and big firms can cut smoke and waste, while people can sort rubbish and use less plastic.
task response
Make your examples more exact. The Yaounde example is useful, but explain what the council and the firm did, and how this made the area cleaner.
task response
Avoid very wide claims such as people in Europe being more responsible than people in Africa. This is too general and may not be true. Use a more limited example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: first part, two body parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make the main point of each body part more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as 'therefore', 'consequently', and 'for example' are used, but some ideas do not fully lead to the next sentence. Check that each link shows a real cause, result, or example.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in each sentence where possible. Some sentences are long and hard to follow, such as the sentence about funds, workers, waste, and pollution. Split them into shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. Choose 'environmental damage', 'waste', and 'pollution', then do not change to unclear words like 'this troubles' or 'damage area'.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view. You also reach a clear final idea: the government, firms, and people should work together.
task response
You include examples to support your points, including a local example from Yaounde.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a basic level because it has an opening, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
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