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Band 4.5

Some people think that individuals are born to be leaders, others believe leadership can be learnt. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
It is believed by
number
Add an article
a number
show examples
 of individuals that some of them are born to be leaders
and
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, and
show examples
on the other
Linking Words
hand
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hand,
show examples
 some
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that individuals can learn to be a
leader
Use synonyms
. As far as I am
concerned
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concerned,
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 I completely concur with the notion owing to the fact that training, mentorship and
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 play a very good role in becoming
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
leader
Use synonyms
 compared to natural emotional intelligence.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, leadership can be
Use synonyms
learnt
Correct your spelling
learned
 by hard training and
varous
Correct your spelling
various
 life experiences.
life
Capitalize the word
Life
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 teaches how you can make
such
Linking Words
 decisions that will not harm others and will get benefit.
you
Capitalize the word
You
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 will learn about politics
and
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, and
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 with that
training
Add a comma
training,
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 you can help others.
For instance
Linking Words
, a guy is poor
and
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, and
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 he comes to you and with the
education
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, hard training and mentorship you ahve became a kind person
and
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, and
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 you choose to help that poor individual. Allowing you to be a good and kind
leader
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 with the help of learning.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
number
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a number
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 of individuals oppose
with
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apply
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the people who say that leadership can be
learnt
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, as
according to
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 them, leadership can't be
learnt
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 as it comes naturally and emotionally.
Naturally
Add a comma
Naturally,
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 you become the person
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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you wanna be
and
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, and
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 you make the decisions with your emotional intelligence.
For example
Linking Words
, in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 hard
situation
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situation,
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 a guy comes to you with hope
and
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, and
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 you choose to help him just because you are kind and that
kindess
Correct your spelling
kindness
 comes
naturally
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naturally,
show examples
 not with
education
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 or hard work. Making them a very good
leader
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.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 do
beleive
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believe
 that it comes naturally
but
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, but
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 plays a very solid role in your decisions
and
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, and
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 support the people who believe that
education
Use synonyms
 and hard training can make the leaders
and
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, and
show examples
 it can be
Use synonyms
learnt
Correct your spelling
learned
.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. Explain why some people think leaders are born with skills, then explain why others think people can learn these skills.
task response
Make your own view clear from the start and keep it the same. You say learning is more important, but the last part says it also comes naturally. State which side you support more and why.
task response
Use more direct reasons. For example, training can teach planning, speaking, team work, and how to make good choices. Natural skill may help people stay calm and understand others.
task response
Your examples are about being kind to a poor person. This shows kindness, but it does not fully show leadership. Use an example of a person leading a group, making a plan, or helping a team in a hard time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make each main part focus on one clear idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the two views: “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For this reason”, and “In my view”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Write shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Start sentences with capital letters and check spelling. For example: “believe”, “various”, “have”, “kindness”, “hard work”, and “I”.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea about kindness. Add different points, such as making choices, helping a team, and learning from past mistakes.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
You try to give examples for both sides of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “To begin with”, “For instance”, “On the other hand”, and “To conclude”.
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