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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that mobile phone conversations should be banned in crowded and social places. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
The issue of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mobile
phone
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conversations
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should be
Wrong verb form
being
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 banned in crowded and social
places
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 has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
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 believe that mobile
phone
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conversations
Use synonyms
 should be banned in crowded and social
places
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,
while
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 others argue that mobile
phone
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conversations
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 should not be banned in crowded and social
places
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.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phone
Use synonyms
conversations
Use synonyms
 should not be banned in crowded and social
places
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate that mobile
phone
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conversations
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 should be banned in crowded and social
places
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 argue that mobile
phone
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conversations
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 might annoy
people
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.
For instance
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,if a man calls his friend loudly
by
Change preposition
on
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 his mobile
phone
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,the
people
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 around
his
Correct pronoun usage
him
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 might be distracted or feel upset because of the
man voice`s
Correct word order
man's voice
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.
This
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 is particularly important because many
people
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 have to work
at
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in
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 public
places
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.
For example
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,if a student has an exam and he must travel to his country ,the student
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 to study at the airport,and he needs a calm place to focus on his study.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mobile
phone
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conversations
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 should not be banned emphasise that
the
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apply
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mobile
phone
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conversations
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 might be an urgent
phone
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 call .
For instance
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,if a girl is walking in the street, and the hospital wants to call her,the girl must respond
the
Change preposition
to the
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 call.
Furthermore
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,many
people
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 might feel
boring
Correct word choice
bored
show examples
 if
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mobile
phone
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 conservations be banned ,the main reason is that many
people
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 must wait a long time
on
Change preposition
in
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 some public
places
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.
For example
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,if a woman has an appointment at
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
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,she might wait a long time,so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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she might call her friend to spend her time .
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phone
Use synonyms
conversations
Use synonyms
 should not be banned.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that
people
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 might feel
boring
Correct word choice
bored
show examples
 or must respond
an
Change preposition
to an
show examples
 emergency call.

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task response
You answer all parts of the task: you discuss both views and give your own view. However, your ideas need more full support. Explain why a ban may help people work, study, rest, or talk with others.
task response
Your view is clear: calls should not be fully banned. Make it more exact by saying that loud calls should be limited, but short or urgent calls should be allowed.
task response
Some examples are useful, such as the student at the airport and the call from a hospital. Make each example more clear and natural. For example, say that a student may need a quiet area at an airport.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between the main idea, reason, and example. For example: "Loud calls can disturb others. This is a problem in places where people need quiet, such as libraries, hospitals, and waiting areas."
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the full topic again and again. Use shorter words such as "phone calls", "they", and "this rule". This will make your writing less repetitive.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the first body paragraph, start with the effect on other people, then give one strong example. In the second, start with urgent calls, then explain why this is more important than simple boredom.
task response
You give a direct opinion in the introduction and repeat it clearly in the conclusion.
task response
You include examples for both sides, which helps show what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful paragraph markers such as "On one hand", "On the other hand", and "To sum up".
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will do, and the conclusion matches your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disrupt
  • Infringe
  • Social rudeness
  • Public transport
  • Necessity
  • Convenience
  • Emergencies
  • Personal freedom
  • Designated areas
  • Compromise
  • Context
  • Advocating
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