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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school. What are the reasons? What could be done? Write an essay giving reasons for your answer and including any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In today’s rapidly evolving world, an increasing number of
students
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 cannot efficiently focus on their studies at
school
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. From my perspective, excessive
use
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 of digital
devices
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 and social
media
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 is the primary driver of
this
Linking Words
 issue. To address
this
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 challenge,
parents
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 and
schools
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 should encourage
students
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 to
use
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 screens and browse social
media
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 more responsibly.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major reasons for reducing
students
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’ concentration at
school
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 is that
overuse
Add an article
the overuse
show examples
 of digital
devices
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 may prevent
students
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 from tracking
time
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 more efficiently.
This
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 causes
students
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 to spend a significant amount of
time
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 on their digital
devices
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 until midnight.
As a result
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, they cannot sleep well, leading to a reduction in their productivity at
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schools
Check wording
school
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. Another driver is social
media
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, which encourages materialistic attitudes among
students
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.
This
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 leads to
students
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 believing that earning money is better than gaining knowledge.
For example
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, in developing countries
such
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 as Iran, social
media
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 influencers constantly motivate
students
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 to leave their
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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and participate in activities that enable them to earn higher salaries, which has negatively affected
students
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’ performance at
schools
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.
Thus
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, social
media
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 and overdependence on screens play a significant role in declining
students
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’ concentration at
school
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.
Body paragraph 2
To tackle
this
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 challenge,
parents
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 and
schools
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 should work together to achieve long-term beneficial outcomes.
Parents
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 should encourage their children to
use
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 online platforms and digital
devices
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 more responsibly
,
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apply
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 and impose restrictions on the
time
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 children
use
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 them.
This
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 can create a good
lifebalance
Correct your spelling
life balance
 and support both
students
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’ educational development and
overall
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 well-being.
Schools
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 should
also
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 motivate
students
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 to critically evaluate information
that is
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 released on social
media
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 after accepting it.
For instance
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, giving information about businesses can deepen
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students
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students'
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 understanding of the business world.
This
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 can encourage
students
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 to improve their academic performance, as having in-depth knowledge can ensure their personal and professional growth.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, in my opinion, social
media
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 and excessive
use
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 of digital
devices
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 are the main contributing factors to reducing
students
Use synonyms
’ concentration at
school
Use synonyms
. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue,
parents
Use synonyms
 should moderate the
time
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students
Use synonyms
 spend on social
media
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 and screens and
schools
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 should encourage
students
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 to improve their essential skills
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as critical thinking, to evaluate information before accepting it.

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Task response
You answer both parts: why students cannot focus and what can be done. Your main ideas are clear, but the second reason needs more care. Wanting money does not always make students lose focus at school. Explain this link more clearly, or use a reason that is closer to the topic, such as phone alerts, games, or lack of sleep.
Task response
Make each solution match a reason. Limits on screen time clearly help with late-night phone use and poor sleep. But teaching students to check social media facts does not fully deal with the wish to make money. Add help such as school talks about real work paths, study goals, or support from teachers.
Task response
Your Iran example is useful, but it is quite broad. Give one short, clear case: for example, a student stays up watching videos about making money, sleeps late, and then cannot pay attention in class.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, reasons, answers, and ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this plan in future essays.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be smoother. In the second body part, move from parents’ rules to the school’s role with a clear link, such as: “While parents can control time at home, schools can help students make better choices online.”
Coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are not clear enough. “Schools should also motivate students to critically evaluate information that is released on social media after accepting it” should be changed to: “Schools should teach students to check social media information before they believe it.”
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that do not strongly support the point. The sentence about giving information about businesses is not clearly linked to concentration. Replace it with a school action that directly helps students focus, such as phone-free lessons, study skills classes, or talks about healthy screen use.
Task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same main view until the end.
Task response
You include both causes and solutions, and you use an example to support your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear purpose, and the ending brings the main points together.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as “As a result”, “For example”, and “To sum up”, to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • concentration
  • attention span
  • distractions
  • technology
  • boredom
  • tiredness
  • engagement
  • learning disabilities
  • teaching techniques
  • classroom size
  • family issues
  • health problems
  • motivational strategies
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