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Writing Samples
Band 3

In this technological era, personal information is held on computers by many companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
​In the modern
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 a growing amount of personal
information
Use synonyms
 is stored electronically by companies and organisations.
Although
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this
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 case offers considerable benefits in terms of
conveniency
Replace the word
convenience
 and efficiency, I believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 trend totally overshadow its merits, because of the risks to privacy and
date
Use the right word
data
show examples
 security.
Body paragraph 1
​
To begin
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 with, it is true that storing personal
information
Use synonyms
 on computers could bring a number of benefits to humans
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as efficiency of services. They can access customers'
date
Use the right word
data
show examples
 quickly without
some
Correct determiner usage
any
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 delays.
For instance
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, in hospitals, people want to get a record quickly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 technological devices can share
this
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 easily.
Moreover
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, digital storage allows people to manage
large
Add an article
a large
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 amount of
information
Use synonyms
 at a low cost.
Body paragraph 2
​
However
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, the aforementioned merits are totally eclipsed by the potential drawbacks of
this
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 trend.
Firstly
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, the risks
such
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 as cybercriminals may gain
our
Check wording
access to our
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 databases and
can
Verb problem
apply
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steal confidential details
such
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 as bank account
information
Use synonyms
, home addresses and identification numbers.
This
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 can result in financial losses, identity theft and some emotional distress.
Conclusion
​In conclusion,
although
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 electronic storage makes services faster and more efficient, I believe its disadvantages outweigh its advantages. The potential for date and personal
information
Use synonyms
 need a protection in
this
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 modern era.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph: the bad points are greater than the good points. Keep this same view in every paragraph.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain how stolen data can harm people, and why this harm is more serious than faster service.
task response
Use a more full example. For example, a hacker may take bank details from a company system and use them to take money from many people.
task response
Your last sentence is not clear. Write: “Personal data needs strong protection in the modern world.”
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, good points, bad points, and end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first line of each body paragraph a clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example before you move to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. “To begin with”, “However”, and “In conclusion” work well. You can also use “As a result” to show the effect of data theft.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this case” and “this easily”. Say exactly what you mean, such as “this system” or “medical records can be shared quickly.”
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear view that the bad points are more important.
task response
You include useful ideas about fast service, low cost, privacy, and safety of personal data.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow, with the good points before the bad points.
coherence and cohesion
The use of a hospital example makes the point about faster service easier to understand.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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