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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamor and wealth than for their achievement and this is a bad example for youngsters. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is mainly argued that
that
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apply
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stars are becoming more
reputed
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reputable
 and known
due to
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 the style and assets rather than what their
sucess whreby
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success is
,
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this
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whereby this
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 can be
of
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a
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 bad influence
to
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on
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 them. In my own perception of
things
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things,
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 I strongly disagree with that ,as the reason why they are known is because of their talent and what they
acheieve
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achieve
,
although
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 some cases can be an exception.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand
people, you
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, people
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 can not be
recognise
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recognised
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 if
you are
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they
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 do not realise something.
This
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 is because the majority of Stars like musician are known to the public
,
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apply
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 because of the way
the
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they
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 sing.
As a
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result
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result,
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 people who listen to their music and fall in love with it mostly have the will to know who the person is
creating
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, creating
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 a fan base who follow and listen to them.
For example
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, Bob Marley
,
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apply
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 is one of the famous
artist
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artists
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 in the 20th century
due to
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 it raggae album and concerts.
Therefore
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, his music made him famous
in
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all over
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 the
whole
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world.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, people may know some influencers
due to
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 the way they present their lifestyle on social media.
This
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 is because Influencers that are not
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instead
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known for their talent but for
their
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the
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 aspect they present to the world on these social platforms.
Consequently
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, those
that
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who
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 have
bad
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a bad
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 reputation can cause a lust in some individuals
following
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, following
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 their examples
which
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, which
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 is disadvantageous for
the
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apply
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society.
For instance
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, Many youths nowadays are more attracted by the facility to have money because of the influence of their celebrities
due to
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they
Correct determiner usage
the
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 wealthy life they show on
instagram which
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Instagram
,
is
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which is
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 a source of envy to these ones.
Thus
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,
there
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they
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 are not regarded as
good
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a good
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 model for
young
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the young
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 generation.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly disagree because the talent of
majority
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the majority
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 of these
artist
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artists
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 is what makes them
well knowed
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well-known
 and
reputed
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reputable
,
although
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,
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apply
show examples
 there are some cases that can be controversial.

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task response
Your view is clear: you disagree, but you also accept that some famous people are known for a rich life. To make your view stronger, say how far you disagree at the start and keep this same view in each main part.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. In the first main part, explain why skill comes before fame, and why this can be a good example for young people. In the second, explain more clearly why online posts about money can lead young people to want things too much.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they need more detail. The Bob Marley example should explain his work, why people still value it, and how this is different from fame based only on money or style.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. This helps the reader follow your answer. However, the first main part starts with a hard-to-follow sentence. Start it more directly, such as: 'Most stars become famous because of their work and skill.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as 'This is because', 'As a result', and 'For example' are useful, but some sentences do not clearly connect to the one before. Make sure each sentence adds one clear step to the same idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. The first paragraph should focus on talent and work. The second should focus on social media, wealth, and its bad effect. This will make the answer easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are unclear because there are too many ideas in one sentence. Use shorter sentences. For example, write: 'Some influencers show a rich life online. Young people may then want the same things. This can be harmful.'
task response
You answer both parts of the question: why some stars are famous and how this may affect young people.
task response
Your position is clear in the opening and is repeated in the ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph breaks and include an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples, such as Bob Marley and social media influencers, to support your points.
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