IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think it is the government's responsibility to pay for the health care and education for their people, while others believe it is not the government's responsibility. Discuss both views and write your opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is argued that
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should pay for health care and education for their
citizens
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 others assume that
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 not the authority’s responsibility. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Punctuation problem
essay,
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 I will explain both aspects, followed by my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
There are numerous reasons why individuals consider
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 should take health and education as a responsibility. The primary reason is
a
Correct word choice
that a
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number of people
do
Verb problem
are
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 not able to take care of their families
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they need additional support
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 for medical purposes. A person with financial burden, he or she
do not
Verb problem
cannot
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 afford any private
medicals
Replace the word
medical
 treatments because
of it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 cost a fortune.
As a result
Linking Words
, they could not complete their treatment
due to
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financial
Add an article
a financial
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 crisis. Another concern is
students
Correct word choice
that students
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 may not complete their
study
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studies
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because
low class
Correct your spelling
low-class
citizens
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 do not have
extra
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an extra
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 source of income;
therefore
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, at an early
age
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age,
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 those children have to work
for
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to
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 support their
family
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families
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.
Hence
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, they could lose their ambitions and better career opportunities.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, others prefer that
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 not the
Use synonyms
government
Check wording
government's
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 responsibility.
This
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 is because the
government
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 provides
huge
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a huge
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 number of job facilities. By joining a secure job,
citizens
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 not only manage their own expenses, but they
also
Linking Words
 may save lots of
government
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budgets
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budget
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.
As a result
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, the
government
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 could use those extra budgets in
others
Correct determiner usage
other
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 essential sectors
such
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 as infrastructure and public
transports
Check wording
transport
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.
By contrast
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, from my perspective
authority
Punctuation problem
, authority
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 should contribute with low class family by providing additional
supports
Check wording
support
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, who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 serious
heath
Correct your spelling
health
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as cancer and mental disorder rather than
every
Change preposition
to every
show examples
 resident.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, the authority should fund
citizens
Use synonyms
 who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 serious health
problem
Check wording
problems
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instead
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 of paying every individual. In my point of view, individuals should take their own expenses and
also
Linking Words
 assist
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 to invests on public transport and infrastructure.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, which is good. However, make your view clearer from the start and keep it the same in each part.
task response
The question asks about both health care and education. Your final view talks mostly about health care. Add your clear view on education too.
task response
Give more full support for each main idea. For example, explain how free care can help poor people get help early, and how free school can help children get better jobs.
task response
Use one or two clear real-life examples. For instance, a poor family may not be able to pay for cancer care, or a child may leave school to work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not fully link. The point about government jobs does not clearly show why the government should not pay for care and school. Explain the link, or use a stronger point such as high tax costs.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more clearly: First, For example, As a result, However, In my view, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'government' and 'responsibility' too often. You can also say 'the state', 'public money', or 'this duty'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph match your full view. State who should get help, what help they should get, and why this is fair.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and give your own view.
task response
Your ideas about poor families, medical costs, and children leaving school are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'As a result', 'However', and 'To sum up'.
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