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Band 5

In the last decade, there has been a great increase in the number and variety of online courses available to adults. This has been welcomed as a great opportunity by many students, however, other students see this courses as less effective than classroom teaching. What are the advantages and disadvantages?

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Introduction
In today's modern world, many people have been supporting rapidly altering technology and the opportunities that it brought ,
such
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 as online
education
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;
however
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, others suppose the opposite has become the case, and
this
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 is not as effective as the traditional method. In
this
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 essay, I intend to talk about both ideas and come up with my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
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 hand,
education
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 is
one
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 of the most vital needs of a human being , and
this
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 new technology brings many new opportunities to a sphere where it was lacking. Nowadays, many people who want to access new knowledge or enhance already existing knowledge can easily do so.
For instance
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, it made it more accessible. Children who
lived
Wrong verb form
live
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 in very challenging rural environments can now benefit from
this
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.
Also
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, in the majority of countries, the
education
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 systems are critisized and children support their academic path through online tools.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, others reckon that the level of online
education
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 is not as high as the existing
one
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.
Additionally
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, they maintain the idea that classroom teaching is even more effective in teaching.
Therefore
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, considering
this
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 as an opportunity would be misleading.
However
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, I am not fully convinced
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
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 argument.
Furthermore
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, we ought to consider it as an alternative, not as an invention that would replace the existing
one
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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with
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apply
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, there
a
Verb problem
are
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 miscellaneous points of view
in
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on
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this
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 topic, and with every new advancement
the
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, the
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 number increases;
nevertheless
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, I strongly believe that people must approach
this
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 new tool as a new way of teaching and learning.
Therefore
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, they must use it when necessary, when it can most surely help.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain clear good points of online courses, such as study at any time, lower cost, and help for people far from schools. Then explain clear bad points, such as less face-to-face help, weak study habits, and poor internet access.
task response
Keep the focus on adults, because the question is about adults. Your example about children in rural places is useful, but it does not match the main group in the question. Use an adult example, such as a worker who studies after work.
task response
Give more detail after each main idea. For example, say how online study helps a parent save travel time, or how a teacher can give fast help in a class.
task response
Make your own view clear in one or two direct lines. You seem to say online study should be an extra choice, not a full replacement for class study. State this clearly and explain why.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. To make the flow better, use each body part for one main side: first the good points, then the bad points.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words do not show the right link. For example, "However" is used when the next idea does not strongly go against the first one. Use simple links such as "Also", "For example", "In contrast", and "As a result" only when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with a clear main sentence. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases such as "it made it more accessible" and "the existing one". Say exactly what you mean, for example: "Online courses make education easier to reach" or "classroom teaching".
task response
You discuss both online learning and classroom teaching, and you give your own view at the end.
task response
You include a real-world idea about people in rural places having more access to learning.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to guide the reader with linking words such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand".
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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