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Band 4

Some people believe that punishment is the most effective way to reduce crime, while others argue that education and rehabilitation are better solutions. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Nowadays, a large number of
people
Use synonyms
 think that
punishment
Use synonyms
 is the most effective
way
Use synonyms
 to reduce crime,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
education
Use synonyms
 and rehabilitation are better solutions.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before explaining why I believe that penalty is the most dramatic
way
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some
people
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 argue that
education
Use synonyms
 is the best
way
Use synonyms
 to cut down crime.
This
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 is because formation
always
Verb problem
is always
show examples
 used as a source to teach
people
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 to control their emotions or introduce basic interactions.
In addition
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,
education
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 is key for
children's
Check wording
children
show examples
 because
this
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 can
afford for
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 them
subjects
Change preposition
with subjects
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which is
Correct subject-verb agreement
that are
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 required in university.
As a result
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, if the government introduce formation as a
way
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 to control or reduce crimes, it could be the worst thing since it will not
guaranty
Verb problem
guarantee
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 safety or
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
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 in
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
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. A case in point is that
education
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 would only be
introduction
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an introduction
show examples
how
Change preposition
to how
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 to communicate or deal with
people
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, I believe that
punishment
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 more effective
way
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 to reduce crimes.
This
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 means that after taking
penalty
Add an article
a penalty
show examples
 citizen should pay
fee's
Check wording
fees
show examples
 or do public work for some period
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it can deliver
person
Add an article
the person
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 to jail if he couldn't do it or
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
pay it
Verb problem
do the work
show examples
.
Consequently
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,
punishment
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 will always remind about fee's or public works, which is the best
way
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 because
people
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after
Punctuation problem
, after
show examples
 doing it doesn't wanna to do
again
Correct pronoun usage
it again
show examples
.
For example
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,
punishment
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 can
be
Correct word order
also be
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also
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 used twice or double check if there is no opportunity to pay it.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
education
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is the worst
way
Use synonyms
 to cut down crimes, I think that
punishment
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 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 dramatic
way
Use synonyms
 to reduce illegal
act
Check wording
acts
show examples
 because it comes with taxes or some public works.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a fair way. The part about education says it is bad, but it does not explain how education and help can stop crime. Add ideas such as school, job skills, anger control, and help after prison.
task response
Make your own view clear and give strong reasons. You can say punishment may stop some people, but education and help can stop people from doing crime again.
task response
Use real and clear examples. For example, a young person who learns a job skill may find work and may not steal again. A person in prison who gets help for drink or drug use may live a better life after prison.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body part. Body one should explain punishment. Body two should explain education and help. Then give your view clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some links do not fit the meaning. For example, after saying education can reduce crime, the next sentence says it could be the worst thing. Check that each sentence supports the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the order of ideas: First, Also, However, For example, As a result, and In conclusion. Do not repeat the same words too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make key words clear and use them in the same way. Use “punishment”, “education”, and “rehabilitation” rather than unclear words like “formation”, “dramatic”, or “it”.
task response
You answer the question and give your own view. You also try to explain why punishment may stop people from doing crime again.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion. Words such as “On the one hand”, “However”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow the text.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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