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Band 5.5

Walking is known to be beneficial for health but these days the number of people walking has reduced a lot. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this situation?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
More and more
people
Use synonyms
 around the world think that walking has several benefits, but there is a reduction in the number of
people
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 walking. In my opinion, I completely believe that an inactive
lifestyle
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 is the cause and appropriate time management is the solution.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I think that the negative use of means of transportation is closely related to a sedentary
lifestyle
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. The main reason is that the majority of individuals depend on their cars to reach their companies without walking.
This
Linking Words
 leads individuals to have an inactive
lifestyle
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, which increases health issues
such
Linking Words
 as high blood pressure. A study conducted by Melbourne University concluded that 65% of employees who have chronic diseases in Melbourne did not have a daily sport routine in 2025.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is how an inactive
lifestyle
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 influences public health in a negative way.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
, I am firmly convinced that the
making
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
use of good facilities management is strongly associated with walking commitment. The main factor is that an individual walks on a walking path for a specific distance before reaching the company daily without being late.
This
Linking Words
 means that an employee or student will walk more than an inactive person in a week.
This
Linking Words
 can be seen when workers walk from
parking
Add an article
the parking
show examples
 area for 30 minutes to reach their workplaces.
As a result
Linking Words
, it is clear why the prepared facilities have a positive effect on
inactive
Add an article
an inactive
show examples
lifestyle
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are a lot of
people
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 who have an idea about the importance of walking exercise, and many of them try to find some solutions. From my perspective, I totally believe that facility management leads to encouraging
people
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 to walk to solve an inactive
lifestyle
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 issue.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons why people walk less, such as long work hours, car use, unsafe roads, and few paths. Then give clear actions, such as safe paths, better buses, and time for walking at work or school.
task response
Make the main idea in each body part more direct. The first body part should explain why walking has gone down. The second should explain what people, schools, work places, and the government can do.
task response
Some ideas are not clear or do not fit the question well. “Good facilities management” and “appropriate time management” need a clear meaning. Say exactly who will do what, where, and how this will help people walk.
task response
Use examples that clearly support the point. For example, explain how a safe path from a bus stop to an office can help workers walk every day. The study about disease does not clearly show why people have stopped walking.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first body part is about car use and the second is about paths, so make the link between them clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one simple main point. Then explain it, give one clear example, and show the result. This will make the reader follow your ideas more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words like “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “To solve this problem” can help. Do not use “This means” or “The main reason” too many times.
coherence and cohesion
The ending should sum up both the reasons and the actions. At present, it mainly talks about facilities and does not clearly restate car use or other reasons.
task response
You give a clear view that car use and an inactive way of life are linked to less walking.
task response
You try to offer a real action: better walking paths near work places.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with an opening, main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking phrases, such as “First of all”, “In addition”, and “As a result”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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